Thoughts

Tomorrow starts the first day of the week that is our half way point in the academy. The academy is awesome and we are beginning to actually do fun things. We've started getting up on the shooting range, punching some holes in targets at different distances, and then practiced control holds on each other during arrest control. This has been far superior to sitting in a classroom watching lame PowerPoint presentations.

However, this 1/2 way point marks a couple other things. This week we do another PT assessment, where I get to see how many push-ups and sit ups I can do in a minute and then if I have increased my speed for 1.5 mile run. We also have a test on Friday followed by a Historic Run through the town of Golden to the old Jefferson County Jail. It should be fun but it is more running, not to mention it is all running downhill to get the the jail, and uphill on the way back. If I heard correctly, it is about 4 miles of running.

But the other exciting news in our life is the recent declaration that my wife is pregnant - something she has been looking forward to but I have resisted since the day we got married. I have come around to the idea, and am looking forward to being a dad, yet my fears about it are very much at the surface. I have this idea of what a good dad is, but am I capable of it? Who am I to raise some kid? So many studies out there show how critical the role of the father is in the life of their children, and so many kids grow up without fathers. Do I have what it takes to impact my children in a critical, life shaping way for the best? I don't know.

My biggest prayer is that it is a boy. I really want a little guy to wrestle around with, take fishing and hunting, and just do guy stuff. I think that will come more naturally to me. Having a girl right away just makes me feel awkward - as if I just don't know how to handle it all.

Life is in full speed, and I am just trying to hold on. I've got to get the Jeep fixed, and buy some new tires, brakes, and whatever is making the awful sound. The Dodge is a piece of junk and I am trying to get it fixed as well to sell so I can get a different vehicle. All the while, Alisha is going to be heading off to Israel for a class in May and we have to pay for it really soon. I am making more money that I have ever in my life, yet it doesn't feel like enough. How can I possibly raise a kid?

Lord give me the strength to press on......