Next Stage

Monday afternoon, I received a phone call from my recruiter, saying that Jefferson County is extending a conditional Job Offer to me and if I would like to accept it. Of course I said yes. This offer is conditional upon me passing a medical exam, psychological profile, and a drug screen. Then it goes on to final review and then a final job offer. My wife and I are confused about what the final review entails, or its necessity, however, we are both excited that my long wait is coming to an end.

During this entire process I have been remarkably at ease. I haven't been worried, for the most part, but rather just been patiently waiting (I am not the most patient guy either). I've been thinking why that may be and I can't really put my finger on it. I definitely don't want to jump the gun and say God has predestined me for this job, and if I don't get it, then I don't know my God. The only thing I can point back to is when God clearly told Alisha and I to go to Thailand. From the moment he told us, until the time we stepping onto the plane, was almost a full year later. There were points when it didn't look like it was going to happen, yet I still went back to that moment when I knew God was in control and there wasn't any doubt about His leading.

When we returned from Thailand and we went to Jefferson County to grab an application, I spoke with a recruiter. It was so confirming that this was the place I was looking for. People looked professional, yet were still people - not just robots behind badges. I looked around and was just at ease that this was the department I wanted to work with. I didn't apply to any other agency and simply started the process with Jefferson County. Now, as I am getting to the final stages, the point where if I am turned down, it will hurt the most due to my intense commitment and ever growing desire, I try to go back to that confirming moment where I first stepped foot on the Department grounds and was just made aware of that place.

Was it God telling me that this is where he wants me? I don't know. I certainly didn't hear a voice like I did with Thailand. However, my reaction, and peace throughout it all has remained amazingly similar to the waiting for Thailand.

Excitement over TV?

Several years ago, I was walking through Blockbuster checking out new movies, when I stumbled upon the TV series, 24. I remembered seeing something on TV about it and decided it looked like a pretty good show. I rented the first DVD, with the first four episodes on season one. Each episode is about 45 minutes in length because the basis of the show is that the audience is experiencing 24 real time hours in the life of Jack Bauer - played by Keifer Sutherland. After watching one episode, I was entirely addicted, and immediately watched the other three. I went back to Blockbuster that night and rented the next disk.

24 is broadcast on Fox, and they should hire me because I have gotten so many of my friends into the show. I talked about it nonstop and my friends picked up on my excitement. For my birthday that year, they bought me season one, and season two. I now refuse to watch the show on TV due to the chance I might miss and episode and be entirely lost for the next one. I simply wait for the box set to come out and I buy it at first chance.

Well, that time of year has rolled around. I think God ordained it, because my birthday is Dec 2nd, and the box sets are always released at the beginning of December. So, thanks to my wonderful wife, we have pre-ordered season six and I got an email this morning saying it has been shipped. The best part is that my wife, Alisha, hates watching TV. She thinks getting into TV shows is a waste of time. She is probably very correct, however, she is now addicted to the show as well and we are anxiously awaiting for its arrival.

I have started re-watching season five to catch up on the plot line. Check it out if you haven't seen the show.

Sorry, this post didn't have any real depth to it - actually it was quite shallow, but I just LOVE that show!

Reign Over Me

I just watched a very impacting movie - Reign Over Me. The plot line is simple - Charlie (played by Adam Sandler) lost his family in one of the planes on 9/11. His college roommate - Alan (Don Cheadle) meets up with Charlie randomly and tries to rekindle their friendship. The post traumatic stress on Charlie is overwhelming, even to the point he doesn't remember his college roommate whom he lived with for 2 years. Charlie's life is in shambles, and the movie takes the audience through his world of no friends, and the pain from the tragedy in his life. Charlie won't open up to anyone, but Alan.

Many time throughout the movie, Charlie is rude to Alan, forceful and physical with confrontations. Charlie is insensitive and often just oblivious to others around him. But the amazing thing is how Alan sees through it all. He understands the pain in Charlie's life and all unfortunate encounters with Charlie are just sluffed off. As Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity," Alan sticks with Charlie and is very powerful in his healing process. And in the process of helping Charlie, Alan learns somethings about his own life.

I won't lie, I had tears in my eyes - the movie impacted me greatly. I don't know why. I don't have any friends going through that type of stress that I know of. But watching how Charlie was so flaky, and treated Alan with such insensitivity, makes me wonder how much I would persevere. Would I be able to see straight to the pain, or would I get caught up in the symptoms? This movie made me do a gut check. I'd encourage anyone else who reads my blog - all 2 of you - to check it out.

A Broken Heart

Right now I am experiencing a loss. While we were finishing up our adventures in Thailand, Alisha's sister was asked the big question from her boyfriend. They in turn requested that Shopping, our translator, would come to the US for the wedding if they would pay for it all. He of course said yes.

My heart breaks because he has applied for a VISA several times for the last few months and been denied repeatedly. He has confided in Alisha and I that he doesn't like to get his hopes up because it always seems like things fall through and then he is devastated. Alisha and I had the awesome privilege to bless Shopping right before we left by paying off his college debt, a debt he seriously wouldn't be able to pay for decades to come. The bond that Shopping and I share is incredible. I love this kid a ton. I cried uncontrollably at the airport when we were finally heading home after living with him for 4 months.

When you you begin telling someone you love them, time and time again, it becomes ingrained into your soul. I told Shopping that on a regular basis and when it came time to split ways, my soul was torn.

It doesn't look like there is anyway to get him here in time for the wedding in two weeks. God can still provide a miracle, but it isn't looking hopeful. Dealing with this pain of separation is hitting me all over again. I can only imagine how he feels, like he has been let down once more.

Why God would keep friends apart, I don't know. I can rationalize it by thinking God is in control, and everything has a purpose, but is sure doesn't make my heart feel better or the tears to dry up. Sometimes I am just left wondering....why.

The Value of our Story

I am beginning to understand more and more with each day's passing, the value of every person's story. I am also beginning to see how much I don't understand my own.

Lately, I've been reading many different books on that topic, about discovering who you actually are. I've read Cure for the Common Life and Facing your Giants by Max Lucado. Both deal with looking in the past and seeing what common themes run through them. I am reading To Be Told by Dan Allender, and I have several other books that really deal with the topic of knowing yourself. I am also in Men's Fraternity, created by Robert Lewis, and we are dealing heavily with wounds, scars, marks, and other shaping "devices" that have molded us into who we are.

Where I struggle and I would imagine most people would with this topic is that it seems bizarre to ask someone to discover their story. We all lived every moment of our story, so what would be the purpose of discovering it? But the more I look at my past, the more I don't understand what is going on. I can't even remember my past for the most part, so how do I look at it?

The value of knowing your story, knowing the common themes that run through it, is so that you may begin to write your own story from here on out - according to Dan Allender. At first when he spoke about me co-authoring my story with God, I thought he was a lunatic. God writes my story - He has everything planned out. But the more I began to think about a side, often controversial topic, I realized Dan Allender might be on to something.

We Christians have a hard time understanding Free Will vs. Predestination, and have an even harder time trying to explain it to someone who shoves it in our face for believing in something we don't understand. However, when Mr. Allender speaks about co-authoring with God, it seems to blend the two together. Now I won't say I "get it" but the more I think about it, it comes clearer. Our life will happen, no matter what. Circumstances will encounter us, and we will deal with them. However, knowing our past (our struggles, our victories, our passions, our defeats), helps us to succeed in the future. Take for example the girl who is very trusting. This is a good quality, but she doesn't understand why guys take advantage of her. Circumstances will still face her, she will meet guys in the future, but how she reacts to them can be completely different. If she began to understand who God created her to be - one aspect a trusting person (positive) -and she recognized the situations where she typically trusts someone who shouldn't be trusted, then she could avoid the situation - she has taken more control. She is no longer a just a character in her story, but rather she has also picked up the pen and changed the direction of her story. She is both Character AND Author. Now there are many debates for what I have just said - for instance God is STILL in control, and he predestined her to figure out her story and change, so therefore, she really didn't author her story. You have a point, and it is valid. But, I am saying for me, it is making the murky water - just that much more transparent.

War - what is it good for?

I've had conversations at work with people about the current war. I've read blogs about peoples thoughts on this conflict, and I have read many news articles about people's opinions on this apparent chaos.

I think war is hellacious, vicious, gruesome, and devastating. I think there is nothing glamorous about it. However, I don't necessarily think it is wrong. The philosophy to avoid war at all costs is ridiculous. That makes you a doormat. You need to stand up for what you believe and most of all, stand up for those who can't.

For every argument for the war, this is one against, and vice versa. Depending on who you talk to, there is probably more against than for, but I might even disagree with that. I think this could be a issue of "the squeaky wheels gets the grease," meaning it is just the loud few making it seem like a loud many. Again, my perspective.

My best friend is a member of Seal Team 20 - on the Special Boat Unit. He is the warrior's warrior, a patriot, a highly trained soldier and a very loyal friend. I want to see him come back from this conflict, pretty much more than anything. I want to hang out with him, go hunting, and remember life growing up together. But, I never want to think of my friend retreating, or surrendering. He will fight until told not to. He is a warrior. He's seen battle, and he believes it is his duty to serve the men above and below him. It doesn't matter what he thinks about being in the Middle East - he volunteered to serve his country, he volunteered to serve me. Anyone who got into the military thinking they would never have to fight, should have never been in the military in the first place. Signing up for the armed services should require you to have a serious internal check about the gravity of your choice. God bless each one of our servicemen and women who made that decision.

As far as the conflict goes - I think we should be there. I think there are people who need someone to stand for them, and I don't give a rip about the cost for doing the right thing. Burma currently has the world's longest civil war, but no one seems to care. A group of people, the Karen - were betrayed by the British in WWII, and are left to fight a regime of ridiculous proportions for land so they may live in peace. The Burmese government puts on a front of how they help their country but their government couldn't be more corrupt. Would it be wrong for the US to go in and help the Karen from under that regime? I can't believe we aren't there right now - we should be.

In war - people die. That is why war is a terrible thing, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. But because some servicemen lost their lives voluntarily, doing their duty, is not a reason to stop the conflict. I firmly believe that I have no idea what is going on in Iraq. I firmly believe I have no clue whatsoever, about what goes on in Congress and the White House. There is no way I can say I know what is best for our Country. It would be absurd for me to say the Pentagon has it all wrong.

Things are classified for a reason. Some truths are just to precious for the general populous to know - because we see what they do with them. I believe the most knowledgeable people in this war are President Bush, his administration, and the men on the ground. The press, high school students on YouTube, and mothers of soldiers, are not credible sources. We only know what is filtered to us, and I am fine with that.

I am eager to see my friend when he returns. I am eager to see this conflict resolved. I am not going to promote or condone any impeachment or treasonous acts until I hear one person come up with a better solution. All I hear is to bring the troops home, and kick Bush out of Office. Someone please, assess the situation and make a probable solution. If we are the United States, lets start acting like it.

The XY chromosome creation

I have long felt that there is something truly holy about when men gather together. That is not to say mixed company isn't holy, but in this present day life, when men gather for a common purpose, if even for just a drink to hash out life's twists and turns, something profound takes place.

This morning I was part of a cohort of men desiring to see other men become more involved. Now, this was at my church but our intentions are not to get more men involved at church. The purpose is to gather men together, through common bonds (cars, fishing, camping, sports, coffee, etc) to foster masculine growth that would in turn reflect on their marriages, family, and careers.

One gentleman shared how a few years ago he went on a mountain biking adventure with some friends. It was all planned out and highly organized. It was some serious fun. But as much fun as the day was, he will never forget the car ride where he just talked about matters of the soul and heart with a few other trust worthy men. Another guy spoke about studies done at Promise Keepers events (huge conferences for men only on spiritual topics) where the impact that happens in men's life doesn't come from the main meeting sessions and speakers, but the car rides where buddies talk about anticipations prior to the event, and conclusions afterwards.

I am extremely excited to see what God has in store. There is this process that must take place where boys turn into men, but in today's society, that is unknown how. In my life, I can't say I have made the transition. I still feel more like a boy, needing others to care for me, rather than providing care for others. What does it mean to be a man? How do I get there?

All I know is meeting with men on a regular basis from all different walks of life, with a common passion for growth, wisdom, maturity, leadership, wholeness, compassion, integrity, and loyalty, will only help sharpen me into the Man God has designed me to become.

Man in the Arena

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

I remember reading this quote for the first time when I was in Anchorage, AK. I remember the fire it stirred within me. I remember wondering if I knew the great devotions, if I ever strived valiantly. Now I wonder no more.

I have completed all the steps for Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. I wait now to see if my best foot forward was good enough. There was no point in the process where I said, "I could have done more, or better." I did everything I could and now wait for over a month to find out. If I fail, then I fail greatly because I have done my best. If I succeed, then all my efforts were worth it. I will know what Theodore Roosevelt meant by the triumph of high achievement or I will understand the failure for daring greatly. It is a feeling I am excited to have. I pray I continue to never settle for my own personal second best.

Found a Home

I said I was going to write more about the tipping at restaurants thing, but I've decided that I was just a little too bent out of shape over it for it to be any good. However, if there is actually anyone out there who reads this, and you really want to know more about that topic, just email me or call me and I'll fill you in.

This past Sunday, Alisha and I went to the New Members class at Colorado Community Church (CCC). CCC is a church Alisha and I have attended since moving to Denver. So far, we have absolutely loved it. It's one of those things you know deep down that you are home, exactly where you are supposed to be.

Now I have never been to a New Member's class at any church before. I always thought they were odd and wrong in a sense. Why do I need to be a member of a Church? Why can't I just call this place my church home without being defined as a member? It just seemed like we were taking the Body of Christ and adding qualifications on it. I was really irked in the wrong way. It wasn't like I had a stance against it that I would argue over, but it just never settled with me. Now, after attending one, I know why it is needed.

One Sunday morning, during the announcements, it was made aware that a new members class was coming up, and all those interested were encouraged to come. Alisha and I decided we liked this church quite a bit and had no intentions of going elsewhere.

So this last Sunday, Alisha and I joined about 50 or so other people interested in knowing more about CCC. For the first word until the last handshake and goodbye, Alisha and I were blown away that a church could fall into the exact category of what we were looking for.

For example, CCC is an interdenominational church, not a nondenominational. I never really knew the difference, but they pointed out that they welcome people from all denominational backgrounds, and when people claim to be Nondenominational, it can turn into ANTIdenominational. I thought that was a good point. They really captured their concepts with a simple phrase "In essentials unity....in non essentials liberty....in all things love." Meaning, the essentials (Jesus was the Son of God, Trinity, Jesus rose again, Jesus is the only way to heaven etc) we will be unified. In nonessentials (baptism at birth or later on in life, communion with wine or juice, speaking in tongues or not, women preaching or not) we will allow liberty to those without getting in arguments over - but allowing healthy discussions. And most of all, in all things love. We will love each other for our differences. It was the first time I had ever seen a church be so welcoming to all backgrounds and then not trying to force conformity.

CCC is also a intercultural church. They strive for cultural unity, not ignoring culture differences, but rather embracing them. This can best be seen in the worship. Most of the leaders and band players are African American, and instead of traditional worship, they bring a more Jazz feel. It is something completely different from anything I have ever experienced. The lead pastor is African American and several others are as well, but most of the congregation is white, showing we "all can get along." It's fun.

CCC is also one church in multiple locations. We attend CCC Base Camp Englewood. There is also CCC Base Camp Aurora and Base Camp Stapleton. Their vision is to have 5 debt free base camps by the year 2020. They believe they can impact Denver by have churches all over the city rather than one mega church. They also never downplayed mega churches, they just have a different philosophy. The base camps share a budget and share pastoral staff. If one church is hurting, the others chip in. Right now, Base Camp Englewood is without a lead pastor, so the other two Base Camps rotate pastors so that we may all be blessed. Their word choice for Base Camps is brilliant too. Taking the term from a military usage, base camps provide a place of safety, nourishment, refreshment, rest, community. The battle is outside the base camp, but here you can be filled. Just as it is in the body of Christ, our battle is at work, our relationships and with random people we meet. We shouldn't come to church to to do our duty, we come to church because we are worn from battle and need fulfillment to get back to the battle lines. Absolutely brilliant!

CCC also believes in growing fruit on other people's trees. This sounds bizarre at first, but once explained it is just what Jesus intended. They believe in the 10% tithe, but they only want 5%. They expect you to give your other 5% to a missionary, another church or para-church organization of your choice. I think this philosophy is so freeing. I think members of other churches feel demanded to give their 10% and hate the sermon about needing more money to get the church out of debt. CCC is liberating, allowing members to give their money elsewhere, letting them choose who they get to bless. I think this is why CCC is a nearly debt free. The are only working on paying off a building right now. The budget they set for themselves is ahead of schedule due to the generosity of the members.

Lastly, and one of the biggest reasons Alisha and I love CCC is because of their programming. They strive to create an environment where everyone is equal. They have a fantastic special needs program for children where able bodied kids play alongside of handicapped and form lasting friendships. This also allows parents of special needs children the freedom to go to a worship service without having to worry about if their kids are being well taken care of. The lead pastor, Robert Gelinas, started Project 127, after James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans..." Project 127 is created to get all kids in the Foster Care program into healthy families (www.project127.com). Alisha is the most passionate person when it comes to Foster Care. She has given speeches, written papers, and even comes from a family where there are 3 foster kids. This was a hallmark for her. But just as any organization is best when the leader leads by example, Pastor Gelinas does this marvelously. He has 5 adopted kids in his home from the foster care program. The worship director in Englewood Base Camp has a total of 18 kids, and I believe 15 are from the program. These men know what it means to lead.

I challenge all of you, if you come to Denver on a Sunday, come to CCC. You will love it. If you want to read more check out their website at www.coloradocommunity.org

Acts of Generosity or Mathematical Economics?

My latest thought has been going on for sometime now. I have been in the middle of a "confrontation" and thought it best not to talk about it until I was certain it was over. My position is fairly simple, but my "opponent's" side is complex and misguided. "Come on," you say, "Everyone thinks their position is right, and the other is wrong." I would agree, but on this topic, I cannot say I would catch too much flak from 90% of the people I know.

So what are we talking about? Tipping at restaurants. Nothing profound. Nothing life or death. Nothing of gravity or spiritual weight. Yet, this topic has fired me up in the last few weeks.

A couple of weeks ago I was working at Red Robin and a group of six came in one Sunday evening for some dinner. My fellow Team Member (coworker) was unable to take their table because he was extremely busy. He passed off the table to someone else, who in turn, passed them off to me. I really didn't care because I wasn't busy and needed something to do. I got their drink orders and after I was putting in their food requests into the computer, 4 different Team Members told me not to expect a tip. They felt sorry for me that I was dumped on with this table. I found out that my table consisted of a head Pastor at a local church, his wife, kids, and the associate pastor and his wife. I was told by my team members and managers that this group comes in often, are demanding at the table, and tip horribly for great service. Quotes I heard were, "Just look at them! They are stuck up in their pretty church outfits, their perfect Christian hair, their perfect Christian attitude. They think they are better than the rest of us!" - That was from my manager. "I've had them before. I got a $3 tip for a $70 ticket. They were my only table, and I didn't even make 10%." - a fellow Team Member.

After hearing this, I just tucked away all this information in my pocket and treated them like every other family that comes in. I made sure all their food came out on time, their drinks were full, and they enjoyed their stay. I heard a few snide comments from the wife, but over all, they were fine. At the end, my tip was given with a "knowing God personally" tract - their way of converting the heathen. I asked my team members if they received one of these, and they all said yes, and hated it.

Now, every single person that works at Red Robin knows that I am a Christian. They know my faith and know I am strong in it. Yet at the same time, they despise Christians, because of this family that comes in. On one hand, it is good for me because I can stand out. On the other hand, they just lump me in with every other loud mouth, untactful, radical Christian you see on the TV.

So here is what I did. On the back of the spiritual tract was the name and address of the pastor. I decided to write him a letter. If you want to read the letter I wrote, please email me and I'll send it to you. His reply even stated how much he appreciated my kind letter. So, I did do my job in being nice and thoughtful - my letter was not out of rage or anger. I simply told him that giving a poor tip with that tract makes non-Christians go farther away from Christ, rather than closer. I commended him on his efforts and on his church (I read their website) and told him I think he would have a better response if he increased his tips.

Now I am going to pause here. I am going to state my position on this and in my next post, I will discuss his reaction.

The latest sermon topic at the church I attend has been on "The Way We Worship." One of the sermons was on our money - talking about we worship with our money. Now, if you tell the typical Christian that we worship God with our money, he will likely think about the 10% tithe. He would be correct. However, we can do MUCH more.

The average server at any restaurant detests working Sunday afternoons. They get real busy with church goers who are snappy, demanding, and tip poorly. So, what image do Sunday afternoons give to non-Christian servers - take a guess. I believe, Christians should be the MOST generous with their money. On Sundays, they have just gathered with 100's of others to worship the Creator of All, met with Him face to face, and then flood the doors of eating establishments and make the lives of those serving them a nightmare. Why? Maybe Christians aren't meeting with God? That's a topic for a different day. But I believe throwing down a few extra dollars, going above and beyond especially on Sundays could really help change people's views of us. They would want to work on Sundays, because they want to be around the generous people. Sure they are in it for the money - ALL servers are in it for the tips. They make around $3.50 an hour. But wouldn't questions begin to arise about why Christians are the most generous?

To Be Continued....

Excitement is Infectious

Tonight was the epic battle of the San Diego Padres, and the Colorado Rockies. This game was classic and nail biting up to the last play. Nothing was taken for granted, but at any moment, the tides could shift and either team would be sent to the play offs. Here's the deal, I hate baseball. The American pastime is about a much fun and entertaining to me as watching grass grow. Nothing about the sport keeps my interest, focus' my attention, or captures my mind. I literally feel bored watching that sport. People always say, " You just need to go to a game, and you will understand." They are wrong. I grew up in Omaha, NE, the home of the College World Series. I have attended at least 10 games in my life and lost all interest by the bottom of the third. I've gone to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play. I've seen fans get bent out of shape and threatening umpires, but still nothing captivated me. Until Tonight.

I still don't like the game but tonight was fun. I was training behind the bar at Red Robin and getting ready to close down, when about 30 minutes before the doors locked, a group of about 15 people demanded drinks, the volume on the TV's turned up and the place silent to watch the ending of this memorable classic. Their excitement made me excited. Why? I still don't like the game, and I didn't ever get into the games when I was at the field, so why now? Maybe it was the yelling. Maybe it was the cursing at the bogus call for a double, rather than a home run. I honestly don't know. But their excitement was contagious; an infection that overcame me. I found myself cheering for the Rockies - a team I didn't really know existed until I moved to Colorado. I was pouring beers, making drinks, and watching the game all at the same time. Ask my wife, I can't do three things at once - it was amazing.


The game finally ended in the 13th inning, from a classic comeback from the Rockies being down by 2 and then winning the game. Even better considering the winning runner didn't even touch home, but the ump "missed" that. The restaurant exploded. Guests celebratorily (a new word I created) chugged the remaining of the beer in their glasses and left. I found myself talking about the game to my co-workers and discussing classic plays. What had happened to me? I was a fan - this was a weird sensation.


It got me thinking. How is it people can get so excited for a sporting team, with player's whom they have never met? The language that was flowing from the mouths of these fans in Red Robin was colorful to say the least. What would cause them to be so passionate?

We have the awesome opportunity to meet with the Creator of the Universe on a daily basis. We don't have to wait in line to get an autograph, or pay extra money to get a picture with the "stars." We can call on Him at any point in our day and He is at our doorstep, just waiting to help us. And if I was able to become excited, if even for a few minutes about a baseball team because of some crazy passionate people, then how can I "infect" those around me when I am passionate about my Lord? I know this is the classic lame post about making a comparison between something innocent and fun, to guilt tripping others to live more Christ-like. But honestly, is there any way my excitement for my Jesus infects others? Do people get excited about the God of the universe by hanging around me? I fear not. Are people supposed to, or is that something Pastor's like to say?

I really don't know what my point is. Maybe it is simply than I wish I had more of an impact on those around me simply by the way I live. I can't help but wonder if I am doing everything I can to promote the life and death of Jesus, rather than just letting life pass me by.

Guilt and Shame Cut Us at the Knees

Today I completed my Integrity Interview with the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. It is called an Integrity interview because they want to see how honest you are, which rots. I think Satan plays off our guilt. We walk into a new job, new situation, or just meet people for the first time and think that the people around us are better or not as shameful as we are. We see friends joking around and seemingly never get upset or show the slightest depression and assume they have life figured out.

As I go into this integrity interview, I have two opposing thoughts - one of arrogance and one of shamefulness. On the arrogant perspective, I look at my application and see that I have never done drugs, never been given a citation for any traffic offense, never been summoned into court, never been fired, and the list goes on. I feel unstoppable. Yet a second later, I look at the areas in my life I have to fess up to, the areas where I am not so squeaky clean. I have to first write it down in full explanation, and then restate it to the deputy interviewing me. At those shameful points, it feels more like an interrogation rather than an interview. You begin to feel like dirt and that you are automatically dropped to the bottom of the list. "Surely people didn't screw up the way you did" Satan says. "Doesn't matter that you are squeaky clean in these areas. That doesn't mean jack compared to how you messed up over here." The belittling thoughts continue alongside of the arrogant ones, and we are left to sort out the truth in both of them.

Maybe I am insecure. Maybe I have a low self esteem. But I have found that men especially, want to let out what is on the inside but don't know how, know who they can trust, and most of all, are living in the fear that they are the only ones who struggle with a certain topic. They know they aren't the only ones to look at pornography on the Internet, but surely no one is as addicted as they are. They know about others having a hard time with their wives, but surely no one else understands the battles of wanting to stay in their marriage and get out at the same time. Knowing that they have a loving wife at home, and a gorgeous secretary at the office, and trying to decide between reality and fantasy - no one has experienced it like that before.

I feel like Satan doesn't just present opportunities, or even present them in a cunning fashion. Rather he uses mixed messages of confusion to blur lines and blot out realities and facts to entertain the ideas of What Ifs and How Abouts. At the same time feeling on top of the world and bottom rung. How is one supposed to sort out the voices and messages?

It is no wonder men are confused about their life callings. They are bombarded by mixed messages. They form opinions about topics, but if they are hot topics, they better be willing to either change their opinions or get blasted for daring to stand bold. What are men supposed to do?

This post kind of evolved into a topic I wasn't really thinking about or originally intended. But I think men have it easy and hard at the same time. The easy part is knowing what is right and what needs to be done. The hard part is actually going about doing it (i.e. telling the truth about your shame.)

The way we come across

I just watched a video on You Tube titled "hello angry Christians." Feel free to look it up. I am guessing this is a sequel to a previous video posting because the man in the video responds to reactions he received from angry Christians. The video is simple: a guy claiming to be an Atheist, talking into a camera about the insanity of Christianity. He speaks about how Jesus' death on the cross for our sins, or as he refers to them, debts makes no sense. He states Christianity proclaimes everyone is in debt from the moment we are born and Jesus came to die, to clear us from our debts, or else we die- basically saying God has doomed us all, and who would want to believe that.

It really doesn't phase me too much that there is some guy out there sticking our religion in our face. What really bothers me is that Christians are upset, or possibly surprized by it. Sure the guy mocks Jesus, but didn't the Romans and Pharisee's do that? He insults Christ's followers, which we are sure the disciples faced some insults. What good does it do then, knowing these insults and hardships are from the beginning, to get upset and write supposed letters to show up this proclaimed Atheist?

The man in the video concludes with quite an interesting point. He asks us Christians, if Jesus were to come back, and see the way we have treated people and taught His teachings, Jesus would have thought He wasted His life and death on the cross. Granted I think that is extreme but interesting. It is apparent, that through whatever contact with this man, Christians have rubbed him the wrong way. He apparently sees us as unwise, dumb, arrogant, and insensitive. I can't possibly blame him because I often feel the same way.

I can't tell you how many times I have been in a great discussion with someone on spiritual topics and then made some idiotic comment that lost all ground. One night, I was talking with some fratnerity brothers and some of their friends and we began to talk about Knowing Jesus vs. Believing in Jesus. This was a heated topic and I mainly brought it up for just discussion. I felt the need to clarify my stance so I made a comment to the effect of, "I am probably the most devoted Christian in this room." That went over like girafe jumping the Nile. Why did I say that? What was the point? But I made a stupid comment that turned people away.

I think Christians as a whole are often the most un-tactful people on earth. We are loud, protest at abortion clinics, curse people in gay rallies, and condem our classmates for getting drunk. What person in their right mind wants to join our "group?"

So, I applaud this man in the video for pointing out how we come across. We all can take a good look at ourselves and evaluate how we express ourselves - intentionally or not- to those around us. The Atheist only made that video because he knows how to play us Christians, by insulting our Christ. Jesus is our Defense, we are not His. He's the King of kings, I don't think He needs our help. We can either believe in Him or not; that choice is ours.

In the Middle of it All

I just recently finished a book by Max Lucado, "The Next Door Savior." It has been quite an accomplishment to say I have finished a book, considering my passion for reading is up there with visiting the dentist. However, Max is gifted; not because he has written many books and been on the New York Times best selling list, but because he has gotten me to read at least three of his books, a feat no other author has done.

With all that said, one of the last chapters in the book spoke about a construction worker in New York City. On Sept 12th, 2001, he went to the war site that held the title World Trade Center, in hopes to find survivors. To his dismay, he found none, but more than several lifeless bodies. After punching through a corridor, he came across a wonderful and wondrous sight, a cross. There, in the middle of it all, a cross stood. The miracle was not the cross standing upright, but rather the upright piece and the cross piece were from two different buildings. The chaos of the collapse and fiery heat welded the two pieces together to be a point of hope in the midst of tragedy. At the foot of the cross, lay smaller crosses, of different shapes and sizes. The metaphor Mr. Lucado pulled from all of this, is in the middle of devastation and tragedy, Jesus is there. We ask where was God during the terrorist attacks? Right in the middle.

I read that chapter just before heading off to sleep. The time was was midnight, and at 5 am, I was to awake to prepare for a written exam and physical fitness test for my application process into Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. That night, I didn't sleep for more than 30 min at a time. I woke up more than 40 min before the alarm sounded and began to get dressed. My mind was racing about what the day would entail. Would I do alright on the exam? Am I strong enough to complete the tests in such a way as to stand out? Would I fail? Would this moment define my life for the better or worse?

I got into my car and began to make the 30 min drive to the department. The morning was still dark and cool. The thoughts were still racing until I looked up. On the mountain range to the west, an array of lights were placed in the shape of a cross. It didn't take long before the previous night's chapter came to mind. A calming spirit overtook my restless one as to say, "I'm here. I'm in the middle."

To complete the day, I succeeded in my tests. I did far more push ups than ever in my life, a significant amount of sit ups and a 1.5 mile run in a time I didn't think I was able to do. I also completed my written exam in a position earning me an interview this week.

My downcast thoughts weren't anywhere equivalent to the devastation of the WTC towers, but Jesus was there, no matter how trivial in comparison.