Guilt and Shame Cut Us at the Knees

Today I completed my Integrity Interview with the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. It is called an Integrity interview because they want to see how honest you are, which rots. I think Satan plays off our guilt. We walk into a new job, new situation, or just meet people for the first time and think that the people around us are better or not as shameful as we are. We see friends joking around and seemingly never get upset or show the slightest depression and assume they have life figured out.

As I go into this integrity interview, I have two opposing thoughts - one of arrogance and one of shamefulness. On the arrogant perspective, I look at my application and see that I have never done drugs, never been given a citation for any traffic offense, never been summoned into court, never been fired, and the list goes on. I feel unstoppable. Yet a second later, I look at the areas in my life I have to fess up to, the areas where I am not so squeaky clean. I have to first write it down in full explanation, and then restate it to the deputy interviewing me. At those shameful points, it feels more like an interrogation rather than an interview. You begin to feel like dirt and that you are automatically dropped to the bottom of the list. "Surely people didn't screw up the way you did" Satan says. "Doesn't matter that you are squeaky clean in these areas. That doesn't mean jack compared to how you messed up over here." The belittling thoughts continue alongside of the arrogant ones, and we are left to sort out the truth in both of them.

Maybe I am insecure. Maybe I have a low self esteem. But I have found that men especially, want to let out what is on the inside but don't know how, know who they can trust, and most of all, are living in the fear that they are the only ones who struggle with a certain topic. They know they aren't the only ones to look at pornography on the Internet, but surely no one is as addicted as they are. They know about others having a hard time with their wives, but surely no one else understands the battles of wanting to stay in their marriage and get out at the same time. Knowing that they have a loving wife at home, and a gorgeous secretary at the office, and trying to decide between reality and fantasy - no one has experienced it like that before.

I feel like Satan doesn't just present opportunities, or even present them in a cunning fashion. Rather he uses mixed messages of confusion to blur lines and blot out realities and facts to entertain the ideas of What Ifs and How Abouts. At the same time feeling on top of the world and bottom rung. How is one supposed to sort out the voices and messages?

It is no wonder men are confused about their life callings. They are bombarded by mixed messages. They form opinions about topics, but if they are hot topics, they better be willing to either change their opinions or get blasted for daring to stand bold. What are men supposed to do?

This post kind of evolved into a topic I wasn't really thinking about or originally intended. But I think men have it easy and hard at the same time. The easy part is knowing what is right and what needs to be done. The hard part is actually going about doing it (i.e. telling the truth about your shame.)