Guilt and Shame Cut Us at the Knees

Today I completed my Integrity Interview with the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. It is called an Integrity interview because they want to see how honest you are, which rots. I think Satan plays off our guilt. We walk into a new job, new situation, or just meet people for the first time and think that the people around us are better or not as shameful as we are. We see friends joking around and seemingly never get upset or show the slightest depression and assume they have life figured out.

As I go into this integrity interview, I have two opposing thoughts - one of arrogance and one of shamefulness. On the arrogant perspective, I look at my application and see that I have never done drugs, never been given a citation for any traffic offense, never been summoned into court, never been fired, and the list goes on. I feel unstoppable. Yet a second later, I look at the areas in my life I have to fess up to, the areas where I am not so squeaky clean. I have to first write it down in full explanation, and then restate it to the deputy interviewing me. At those shameful points, it feels more like an interrogation rather than an interview. You begin to feel like dirt and that you are automatically dropped to the bottom of the list. "Surely people didn't screw up the way you did" Satan says. "Doesn't matter that you are squeaky clean in these areas. That doesn't mean jack compared to how you messed up over here." The belittling thoughts continue alongside of the arrogant ones, and we are left to sort out the truth in both of them.

Maybe I am insecure. Maybe I have a low self esteem. But I have found that men especially, want to let out what is on the inside but don't know how, know who they can trust, and most of all, are living in the fear that they are the only ones who struggle with a certain topic. They know they aren't the only ones to look at pornography on the Internet, but surely no one is as addicted as they are. They know about others having a hard time with their wives, but surely no one else understands the battles of wanting to stay in their marriage and get out at the same time. Knowing that they have a loving wife at home, and a gorgeous secretary at the office, and trying to decide between reality and fantasy - no one has experienced it like that before.

I feel like Satan doesn't just present opportunities, or even present them in a cunning fashion. Rather he uses mixed messages of confusion to blur lines and blot out realities and facts to entertain the ideas of What Ifs and How Abouts. At the same time feeling on top of the world and bottom rung. How is one supposed to sort out the voices and messages?

It is no wonder men are confused about their life callings. They are bombarded by mixed messages. They form opinions about topics, but if they are hot topics, they better be willing to either change their opinions or get blasted for daring to stand bold. What are men supposed to do?

This post kind of evolved into a topic I wasn't really thinking about or originally intended. But I think men have it easy and hard at the same time. The easy part is knowing what is right and what needs to be done. The hard part is actually going about doing it (i.e. telling the truth about your shame.)

The way we come across

I just watched a video on You Tube titled "hello angry Christians." Feel free to look it up. I am guessing this is a sequel to a previous video posting because the man in the video responds to reactions he received from angry Christians. The video is simple: a guy claiming to be an Atheist, talking into a camera about the insanity of Christianity. He speaks about how Jesus' death on the cross for our sins, or as he refers to them, debts makes no sense. He states Christianity proclaimes everyone is in debt from the moment we are born and Jesus came to die, to clear us from our debts, or else we die- basically saying God has doomed us all, and who would want to believe that.

It really doesn't phase me too much that there is some guy out there sticking our religion in our face. What really bothers me is that Christians are upset, or possibly surprized by it. Sure the guy mocks Jesus, but didn't the Romans and Pharisee's do that? He insults Christ's followers, which we are sure the disciples faced some insults. What good does it do then, knowing these insults and hardships are from the beginning, to get upset and write supposed letters to show up this proclaimed Atheist?

The man in the video concludes with quite an interesting point. He asks us Christians, if Jesus were to come back, and see the way we have treated people and taught His teachings, Jesus would have thought He wasted His life and death on the cross. Granted I think that is extreme but interesting. It is apparent, that through whatever contact with this man, Christians have rubbed him the wrong way. He apparently sees us as unwise, dumb, arrogant, and insensitive. I can't possibly blame him because I often feel the same way.

I can't tell you how many times I have been in a great discussion with someone on spiritual topics and then made some idiotic comment that lost all ground. One night, I was talking with some fratnerity brothers and some of their friends and we began to talk about Knowing Jesus vs. Believing in Jesus. This was a heated topic and I mainly brought it up for just discussion. I felt the need to clarify my stance so I made a comment to the effect of, "I am probably the most devoted Christian in this room." That went over like girafe jumping the Nile. Why did I say that? What was the point? But I made a stupid comment that turned people away.

I think Christians as a whole are often the most un-tactful people on earth. We are loud, protest at abortion clinics, curse people in gay rallies, and condem our classmates for getting drunk. What person in their right mind wants to join our "group?"

So, I applaud this man in the video for pointing out how we come across. We all can take a good look at ourselves and evaluate how we express ourselves - intentionally or not- to those around us. The Atheist only made that video because he knows how to play us Christians, by insulting our Christ. Jesus is our Defense, we are not His. He's the King of kings, I don't think He needs our help. We can either believe in Him or not; that choice is ours.

In the Middle of it All

I just recently finished a book by Max Lucado, "The Next Door Savior." It has been quite an accomplishment to say I have finished a book, considering my passion for reading is up there with visiting the dentist. However, Max is gifted; not because he has written many books and been on the New York Times best selling list, but because he has gotten me to read at least three of his books, a feat no other author has done.

With all that said, one of the last chapters in the book spoke about a construction worker in New York City. On Sept 12th, 2001, he went to the war site that held the title World Trade Center, in hopes to find survivors. To his dismay, he found none, but more than several lifeless bodies. After punching through a corridor, he came across a wonderful and wondrous sight, a cross. There, in the middle of it all, a cross stood. The miracle was not the cross standing upright, but rather the upright piece and the cross piece were from two different buildings. The chaos of the collapse and fiery heat welded the two pieces together to be a point of hope in the midst of tragedy. At the foot of the cross, lay smaller crosses, of different shapes and sizes. The metaphor Mr. Lucado pulled from all of this, is in the middle of devastation and tragedy, Jesus is there. We ask where was God during the terrorist attacks? Right in the middle.

I read that chapter just before heading off to sleep. The time was was midnight, and at 5 am, I was to awake to prepare for a written exam and physical fitness test for my application process into Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. That night, I didn't sleep for more than 30 min at a time. I woke up more than 40 min before the alarm sounded and began to get dressed. My mind was racing about what the day would entail. Would I do alright on the exam? Am I strong enough to complete the tests in such a way as to stand out? Would I fail? Would this moment define my life for the better or worse?

I got into my car and began to make the 30 min drive to the department. The morning was still dark and cool. The thoughts were still racing until I looked up. On the mountain range to the west, an array of lights were placed in the shape of a cross. It didn't take long before the previous night's chapter came to mind. A calming spirit overtook my restless one as to say, "I'm here. I'm in the middle."

To complete the day, I succeeded in my tests. I did far more push ups than ever in my life, a significant amount of sit ups and a 1.5 mile run in a time I didn't think I was able to do. I also completed my written exam in a position earning me an interview this week.

My downcast thoughts weren't anywhere equivalent to the devastation of the WTC towers, but Jesus was there, no matter how trivial in comparison.