Defeated or Deflated?

As all the marriage books out there mention, finances are often the biggest struggle in any marriage. Alisha and I are no different. We moved out to Colorado in hopes that I would get this job with JeffCo, but that day didn't arrive until about 7 months after moving. We lived off our savings and my meager earnings bartending at Red Robin, but needless to say, we hardly scraped by.

Life is expensive. I am just beginning to see what life actually costs, and trying to understand the difference between needs and wants. Alisha is attending Denver Seminary and it is anything but cheap. This summer she will be heading to Israel for a class and it is more money out of our pocket. However, there is nothing that I wouldn't do to help support her on this once in a lifetime trip to walk in the same footsteps of Jesus around the countryside. Even though the trip isn't until mid-may, all the expenses are accruing now.

My new pay checks are wonderfully larger than anything I have experienced, yet we still seem to only be living from check to check because of such large upfront costs with her schooling, and with my academy.

I'm slowly learning the difference between being defeated and being deflated. I often feel like I am defeated now with my new job's wages, because how fast the money drifts away. Before this job, we had no money to save, in fact we spent more than I earned. And now with this job, it feels the same way, like we can't win.

Back in my single days, most of my money went to hobbies like ammuntion and outdoor gear, but now, I don't have a dime to spend on ammo. I've bought my new duty weapon, but haven't fired it once. (For those of you who know me, I think you can understand my "plight.") But I am beginning to learn that I am not defeated, but rather God may be deflating my ego, pride, and mindset to the things I think I deserve. I don't need to go shoot my gun, even though I want to. I don't need the next toy or gadget, even though mine may be outdated. There are just somethings that I need to redirect my focus on, and right now, that thing is money. It is hard trying to set my priorities around areas I don't enjoy, like insurance, bills, repair, and the like. But this is life right? Maybe through this endeavor, God is building in me patience, endurance, and character.