Thoughts from a Thinking Mind

Change in Theology?

2008-07-29T15:34:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a very thought provoking conversation with my friend John Lamb. John is much older than me, nearly twice my age, and I relish moments with him because I am able to learn so much through his life experience and place with God.

We discussed a difference in theology, a theology most evangelical Christians have in this country, and neither John nor I agree is biblical. I guess I've had this point of view for sometime, but never categorized it until John brought it up. Forgive me for I have forgotten the exact terms, but the basic concepts are a boundary theology and a centric theology of Christians and Non-Christians.

The boundary type reasoning is what I would imagine most evangelicals hold true in this country. It is an Us vs. Them mentality. "What are we as Christians going to do to bring Non-Christians to Christ?" is a type of question they would entertain. The idea is that there is a boundary of an "in crowd" and not. Christians are in the "in crowd" and are viewing others outside their realm. Now there can be many categories of boundaries, and depending on which denomination or dare I say sect, you hold firm to, may define your boundaries different from another. Examples may include baptism by sprinkling or by submersion, or is it right for Christians to drink or not, or when is a person truly saved; at point of confession or after baptism? It does not matter what your boundaries are, but the point is there are boundaries and there are those of us that are inside and those of us that our outside.

The centric type model is where I think I conceptually agree with more. I say conceptually because I can admit I don't often live it, but if I had to stick with something, this is where I stand. The idea is that everyone is on the inside with Christ in the center. Think of it as a circle with a center point. God is outside the circle, inside the circle, and the center of the circle. He is everywhere. So, we take the understanding God is with everyone, loves everyone, and desires everyone to be close to him. The idea that everyone, no matter what their political affiliation, race, gender, religion, or ideology, is an image bearer of Christ. Now they may not be saved and in personal relationship with Christ, but they are image bearers, and they have value.

I once heard from a speaker a few years ago the statement, "You'll never look into the eye of someone whom God doesn't love." If our starting point in our theology is along the lines of, God loves everyone, and we are all together in this, than our ministry will take on a different shape. Think of the word outreach. For one to reach out, there must be a point of crossing over. I'd venture to say outreach is a term used in boundary type thinking. "We need to cross over the fence to the fallen and bring them to our side." But if we think that everyone is on a level field, all in God's grace and passion, then we don't go out, to a targeted group, we just live amongst everyone, no matter if they are considered "in" or "out." It isn't a mental decision to talk to a person about God, but rather we live in relationship with others and naturally live out our faith with those around us. There isn't this missional focus, but more of a community.

Don't twist what I am saying to think that missions trips and planned events are wrong; I'm not saying that at all, as I have been on many of those programs. My experience however with these mission trips, and the experience I have heard from many people is that they go overseas with the intent to change the world, and realize how much they didn't change the place they were going, but how much that place changed them. Could it be that God sends us to those places to set our minds straight? Maybe he already has a plan for those people you intended to reach and it doesn't involve you. Maybe God wants to work on you, so you change to be a greater, more brilliant representation of Him just where you are.

I realized how much I don't live or desire to live in a boundary area relationally the other day when I was talking with my wife. We have a mutual friend who will make a perfect wife, but there just hasn't been a guy worthy enough for her. Not because of her standards, but because we just haven't seen anyone as close with God as she is to keep up with her. So, I feel almost obligated to find this Mr. Perfect for her, but when I think about my Godly male friends, they are all married. All my other guy buddies are non-Christians, and they are the friends I desire to have. I have my group of Christian friends who I can share these thoughts with and love every moment I spend with them, but I definitely love my moments with people far from Christ. I don't desire to only relate to those who read their bibles. I desire to relate to those who bear the image of Christ, and as far as I can see, I encounter them frequently.

The personal application for me is, how bright am I shining for those not in relationship with Jesus? Am I bringing them any closer to the center, or am I simply living where I feel comfortable?

The Unit

2008-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, I was introduced to the military show, The Unit, based on the highly secretive and trained Delta Force. My buddy who is in that line of employment showed me the first episode and I have really enjoyed watching the episodes as the different stories unfold.

Just the other day I watched one that for some reason struck a chord inside of me. Jonas, played by Dennis Haysbert, is the lead role in the show, and the team leader. His wife Molly and him have one daughter who shows up in this particular episode in a rude fashion, and the parents are trying to deal with her. She breaks into the house, "because she forgot her key" and attempts to steal her birth certificate so she can drop out of college and enlist in the Army.

Where I found it interesting is how Molly and Jonas handle the situation. Their daughter is really "lippy," and should have been appropriately scolded - which Molly did. It was the typical parent - child dispute where the kid thinks they know something and the parents know better - so the feud begins. Molly takes the approach of - "I brought you into this world and I will take you out before you speak to me like that again." Jonas has a different tactic, which Molly sarcastically and critically called "daddying her up."

Jonas takes his daughter shooting. In between rounds of fire, the two had a conversation about joining the military. The daughter made the statement, "what do you fear?" Jonas replied, "I fear no man," then he looked at his daughter and smiled, "only one woman." Referring to his wife Molly who is very much a competent woman. She laughs, and Jonas follows up by saying, "Courage is moving towards danger when there is a means of escape." He tells her if she finishes college and still wants to go into the military, he'll give her, her first salute. She says, "I'll try." Jonas promptly retorts, "I'll try means I'll fail. If you don't know that, you have no business being in the military." And like all good shows, that last less than an hour, the daughter repents of her ways, and decides to go back to college and finish. It was all happy.

I realize I just described something really not that important, but those three lines from Jonas caught my attention. Sure the one about "fearing" his wife was comical, but the other two about courage and trying really hit me. Why they hit me, I don't know. But it was enough for me to pause, rewind it and watch the scene unfold again. I even took the time to write about it here. Maybe I have something to learn. Maybe it is the fact I have a pregnant wife and someday I'll handle a similar situation. I just don't know.

Time to write again

2008-07-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

I've tried to pull up this page time and time again to write down something, anything, to capture my thoughts. But every time, I end up deleting what I wrote because it doesn't feel important or even worthy to put "to paper." So here is another attempt as trying to create something.

I just got out of the detentions academy, which consisted of 3 more weeks of power point presentations run by people who were never meant to be teachers, and topics that were past dry for content. The only upside to my situation, is that the academy ended last thursday, and I don't start work until tomorrow, this thursday. I was blessed to have some time off, when most of my other friends did not.

What did I do? I went to one of my favorite places on earth. I went to my dad's ranch to just be a guy, doing guy things. Virtually all my memories of the ranch take place with my good friend Mitch. I've known Mitch since we were in 1st grade, and we have been going to the ranch together ever since. We don't even need specific plans, just a couple of guns, some ammo, maybe a fishing pole, and we have a great time.

This trip was no different. My dad gave us one objective - to kill a beaver that has been doing what beavers do, damming up a water way. Other than that, we were free to do as we pleased. Most of our days consisted of driving around to the different ponds and shooting turtles that have been killing our fish. There is just something rewarding hearing the "thump" of a nicely placed round into the shell of an unsuspecting turtle, and then accompanied by a nice splash. Sorry if that seems cruel to anyone.

We grilled, drank a few brews, watched a couple of movies, stared into the enormous sky at the countless stars, and just lived in the moment. It was exactly what I wanted to do - a few day stretch were nothing was begging for our attention, we were free to do as we pleased.

Now, I am back home, and have the fun job of getting up at about 4:30 in the morning tomorrow to get started with my new job. I'm looking forward to it, but can't deny the freedom in those past few days, and the sheer relaxation that took place.

It's a Good Day

2008-06-03T06:17:00.000-07:00

It is an absolute fantastic day today. How can I say that when it is only 7:15 in the morning? Because my awesome wife Alisha is coming home today from an almost month long trip to Israel! I've missed her a ton.

If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I was so excited when she told me back in January that this trip was available to her. I told her I would do whatever I had to, to make enough money for her to experience that wonderful place. I just don't think I'd ever be able to get her, or us for that matter, to Israel at any other point in the future. So this was her shot, and we got her there.

Now life in our small apartment has been significantly different with her absence. With there only being 3 rooms, including the bathroom, Alisha and I usually run into each other when she is home. It is next to impossible not to be around one another in our home. So while she's been gone, the silence has been loud, the food has been bland (Mac n Cheese, and Ramen Noodles), and the entire place just doesn't feel the warmth it usually has when she is present.

But tonight, that all changes. Tonight at 6:35, her connecting flight from London arrives at DIA, and I get to pick her up. I am preparing to see her. You know when you see a young child, maybe a nephew, cousin, or just someone you know, then leave for a period of time. When you encounter that child again, they have completely changed. Well, Alisha is pregnant. When she left for Israel, she had no showing of a pregnant belly, but in emails from her, she says it is apparent now. So, the image in my mind is of my smoking hot, skinny, non-pregnant looking wife, but when I see her, she'll have this little belly poking through.

It just makes it all the better. I know I wrote in a previous blog that I was really nervous about having kids, but I am coming more and more to grips with it. To be honest, I am excited, but not wanting it to come all at once. I am looking forward to the period of waiting and being there for Alisha. I'm sure the preggo hormones will get old and annoying, but as for now, I am excited.

The Love of my life will be here in less than 12 hours!

Beauty from Ashes

2008-06-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

Today at church, we had a guest preacher. The guest preachers I have usually encountered are considered famous in some way, and usually on the later ends of life on the age spectrum. But today was different. Today we had Josh Weidmann speak. Josh is only 25 years old and attended Colorado Community Church growing up. Josh also was also in class at Columbine on April 20th, 1999. Josh watched his friends and classmates die as the two gunmen sought blood.

Josh could have resented God. Josh could have turned his back on faith. But he didn't. Josh took that horrible tragedy, and helped be a pillar of light for that dark moment in history. He called all the news stations and had them broadcast that a prayer vigil would be held at Colorado Community Church, and organized it on his own, at age 15.

He spent 2 years in world missions, 3 years at Moody Bible Institute, helps lead a church, lead a youth group, and has his own radio station broadcast. He's also been to over 30 countries preaching.

At the age of 25, Josh has changed the lives of countless people. He decided to believe that God was there in Columbine and wanted to do something miraculous from it. And He did - He rose up Josh as His servant and has influenced thousands.

I think we can all learn from this man. There are times when God feels distant, and even uncaring. But the fact is, He is right there with us in the hardest of times, and He can use us for the best if we let Him.

Taser.....need I explain more?

2008-05-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

Wednesday afternoon involved a pain I cannot even begin to fathom or describe. The entire day we learned about the X26 Taser and what it is capable of doing. We saw videos of combative subjects drop instantaneously. We saw demonstrative videos comparing the effects of the X26 to previous models, and how far superior the X26 truly is. The videos showed it all.

What they didn't explain is how much that thing would hurt. To give you all a quick crash course in taser history, the original handheld tasers were operating under the idea of pain compliance - I cause you enough pain to make you change your mind from your previous actions. These worked well on subjects that were not hell bent on assaulting you, or who weren't under the influence of some nerve deadening agent such as Meth, PCP, or high quantities of alcohol. The latest version of Taser technology has jumped from just pain compliance to what is called, "neuro-muscular incapacitation." The pulse rate of the new taser mimics the human body's way of communicating from the Central Nervous System (brain and spinal cord) to the muscles. Now it doesn't just mimic it but rather interferes with it all.

It was explained like this - If two people are talking on a phone line, communication is going back and forth flawlessly. But if someone else, a third person, picks up a phone on the same line and screams into it, the communication between the first two people is lost due to the interference. The taser basically comes in through the back door and screams into your body's communication system - only it doesn't sneak in through the back door but rather blasts through it with a shape charge and a pissed off SWAT team.

The end result is involuntary muscle contraction and a subject can no longer physically resist, EVEN IF they cannot feel the extreme pain. Oh yeah, that pain is 50,000 volts.

Well, I still didn't think it would be that bad knowing we all would be tased by the end of the day to earn our certification. I watched my classmates get tased and heard the screams of pain. There were the occasional - ok there were many - four letter words. Each one said it was the worst thing they had experienced, yet I remain unconvinced it could possibly be that bad. HOLY CRAP I WAS WRONG! I saw sparks come from my freaking elbows! ELBOWS! That is the most unnatural thing I have ever seen. The pain, on a scale from a 1-10, was a 39. I was completely at the mercy of the person using the taser, and I physically couldn't do a thing to get it to stop. By the way, the taser automatically runs for 5 seconds - the longest 5 seconds in history. I could swim the Pacific ocean faster than the amount of time it felt like I was being fried.

My word of advice. If you, for whatever reason, have the opportunity to be tased, whether it be voluntary or you are drunk and combative, DO NOT TAKE IT. Follow ALL instructions immediately, and follow them with due haste.

I asked two mothers in the class if being tased was worse than giving child birth. They said child birth was worse because it lasts so much longer, but the taser is the most similar. So there you have it, on Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at approximately 4:15 pm, I gave birth.

I found this website where they guy did a pretty good job describing the whole ordeal - http://saunderslog.com/2006/05/02/can-you-power-a-taser-with-2-aaa-batteries/

Searching for something

2008-05-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know what that title is supposed to mean.

For the past week and a half, I've been reliving the bachelor life. My awesome wife Alisha has been on the opposite side of the planet in Israel, touring the beautiful old country and learning first hand where Jesus, the disciples, and other biblical figures have lived. I really wish I could be there. I think in our American Christianity, we lose sight of the fact that Jesus actually DID live. That King David really WAS a great king and human being, and so on. Too often, I think of biblical people and times as more of stories, like something someone just wrote about. If you were to ask me, I would never say that of course, but the way I live, I would say I act that way. At the very least, we are nearly 2000 years removed from Paul's journeys, and that is the very end of the New Testament. Can I even put a context on 2000+ years?

Would we as Christians live life differently if we really focused on that idea that these people we read about in holy pages were no more or less human than us? I remember seeing a picture of a friend of mine in the middle east - I think Turkey (don't quote me if my history or geography is wrong), where she is standing next to the grave of the Apostle John. I distinctly remember thinking that grave is no different from a grave we make these days. John was real. He was alive. He did preach. He wasn't just someone written about. Then a few days ago, Alisha sent me an email about her experience in Jerusalem walking through an aqueduct created by Hezekiah over 2500 years ago, is STILL bringing usable water into the city this day. Amazing!

Maybe the reason for the argument many non-Christians have about believing something "holy" written by mere men is hard to fathom is based on the fact that we professing Christians don't appear to believe it either? Just a thought.

Take it a step further. Look at the Muslims following Islam. A true Muslim will make the trek to Mecca once in their lifetime. Millions of Muslims make this journey to follow their heritage, their past, and show alliance to one another in their faith. There is some serious dedication there. Could being in the presence of their holy city help solidify their faith?

Like I've said, I don't have a clue if my thoughts are valid. I am definitely not saying wonderful and far more clear objections or subsequent reasons for our lack of apparent faith exist. I am just seeing in my life, living through the experiences of my wife, that the person my eternal soul rests comfortably with, has more value and weight by seeing with open eyes that He IS real, He DID live, He DID die a human death. He tasted the same salty water I have. He has experienced sore feet from walking hills and trails. He was human!

This revelation in my life is a breath of fresh air to my soul.

Terrible Day

2008-05-08T16:19:00.001-07:00

Today was by far the worst day I have had in the Academy. To begin, I woke up 30 min late and didn't have time to take a shower. I got to work and the first 4 hours were on proper usage of a shotgun, a weapon I have used since I was 12. So, I was bored, and really didn't learn anything new, but I was excited because I absolutely love shooting shotguns, and was ready to get to the range.

Well, I get to the range and I violated a rule - I had a magazine in my handgun. It was unloaded, and I had checked that, but I didn't remove the magazine and Deputy Johnson caught me. He very politely reminded me to take the magazine out and I did. I thought it was no big deal. Next thing I know, Deputy Johnson is yelling at the class because our heads were not in the right place and we were violating range rules. The only one he mentioned was magazines in weapons. I think it was me and possibly another person. So, I got the class in trouble and our punishment was to stay in the "front leaning rest" push up position for a good period of time and then do 15 push ups. I took it personal because I don't like making others punished for my mistakes, and also the fact that he told me politely, like it wasn't a big deal, to remove my magazine and then flipped his lid on the whole class like we all did something wrong.

We began shooting and I was doing terrible. All my shots were high and left. I have a great grouping, but they weren't on target. I couldn't figure out what I was doing. I find out later, that my weapon was sighted in for 100 yards, so it shoots high at 25 and 50. That would have been good to know earlier.

Next, targets were ripping off the cardboard backing because they weren't stapled well enough. I was selected to add more staples. Deputy Johnson was angry that things were taking too long, so I was jogging to get the stapler. I got yelled at because I was holding my shotgun while jogging. I wasn't unsafe by any means, I was in control of my muzzle at all times, yet I get yelled at. Another thing to tick me off.

Well, we do a qualification course and I fail. I was one of 2 people to fail. I have always been a jack of all trades and very few things are hard for me to learn. The one thing I have always excelled at was shooting. It came naturally. And I fail. So I retake the course and fail again. So, now I am not qualified with a shotgun even though I can shoot my personal one with proficiency any day of the week. I was very ticked.

I spoke with Deputy Johnson about it, and he told me it was no big deal, and I tried to explain my frustration, and all he asked was, "Did you shave this morning?" I hadn't, because I woke up late and didn't have time to shave. He said I owed him a memo, again like it was no big deal. We are finishing up the day and once again he yells at the entire class because we are doing stupid things like, "Not shaving our faces."

It was one hit after another. I couldn't shoot a shotgun to safe my life today. We were able to shoot clay pigeons (10 rounds, 10 clays). I shot 6 out of 10. Apparently I can hit moving targets the size of pop cans, but can't hit a still target the size of a human being.

It was a terrible day, and I just needed to write this down and let it go.

Sore

2008-05-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

My weekend was an absolute blast. I flew to St. Louis, then drove to Evansville, IN, for a wedding. I was able to hang out with my best friend whom I haven't seen in awhile because of his service in our military, and the reunion was just fun.

I got back home about 8 last night and then went to bed not much later. I arose this morning, packed all my work stuff, and went to work. It was then, after sitting in the classroom, realizing I had forgotten my PT gear. My wife, being the awesome woman she is, parted from her huge assignment she's been putting countless hours into, to drive the 30 min and drop off my PT gear.

Deputy Johnson found out about the whole thing and I had to write him a memo about why I wasn't prepared, which I considered a small price to pay. If I didn't have my PT gear, the class would have enjoyed PT in polyester uniform shirts, bullet proof vests, wool pants, and combat boots. I think writing a memo is nothing compared to that horror.

Well PT was a real workout. We ran up and down steep hills, pull ups galore, lunges, push ups, crunches, and running. The entire thing really wouldn't have been that hard had I had some water in my system.

I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours, and really didn't drink anything either. My body stopped producing sweat and then produced just goo. I got dizzy, started seeing swirls of colors, and my hands went numb. I fell to the back of the group, and couldn't keep up. At one point I had to sit down for in fear of my truly passing out and hitting pavement with my face.

I got back to the classroom and drank plenty of water and felt better nearly immediately. But my anger at myself continued throughout the night. I don't have anything to prove but I hate it when I fail. The man running our PT was the leader of the SWAT team, a team I would eventually like to join. We even got into a pull up contest with each other. And then I failed. It was just disheartening.

So, I end the day with soreness all over, and sense of failure that I need to get over because it isn't that important, and really, I just need some sleep.

Life is Good

2008-04-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

On Sunday morning, there was a "challenge" that went out to the congregation. I put challenge in quotation marks because this wasn't a guilt tripping session that so often characterizes church services but rather the talk was part of the series of Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Pastor Doug mentioned he had asked his friends how we can tell if we/others love God, because the verse has a disclaimer, that God works for the good OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM. He mentioned some of the responses- if we love others, if we help the poor, if we serve, etc. But Pastor Doug stated that it is entirely possible to love others without loving God, or serving others without loving God, etc, but if we Love God, we can't help but love others, serve others, help the poor, etc. So again, how to we know if we/others love God?

We lifted from Romans 8 and jumped to 1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us." Now, I am not going to lie, but at this point, this seemed like a very elementary sermon. I know God loves us, and isn't that all warm and fuzzy. But what Doug began to say started to transform my cynical attitude. When we begin to love God, it is only after we have recognized His love for us. We haven't even gotten to the stage of loving others, but merely recognizing that He loves us. Pastor Doug says we often miss the little love notes God places in our life to remind us of His ridiculous, copious amount of affection he has for us. - A day seemed worthless, but he placed the most beautiful sunset in our path on the way home. Did we notice? The bills are paid, and we have some money left over for a date with our wives - did we notice or take it for granted. The "challenge" was to start taking note of where God has placed a love letter, a little reminder in our day, to refresh our memory of his passion.

So, here are somethings I am thankful for: I love my wife, and she loves me. We are expecting our first child, and while I am scared to death, I am truly excited. God has blessed me with a job I love. I just got a phone call from a friend who was overseas fighting in the war, and he is back home safe. I noticed I am getting stronger in my workouts (petty but reassuring).

There are more, but this simple exercise helped me refocus life. God does passionately love me. I don't know why, but I am sure not going to turn away from His love.

Defense Lawyers and Dentists

2008-04-07T13:44:00.001-07:00

Two professions I have come to loathe. Defense lawyers just bother me because they work against most everything I will be doing for a living. They protect the child rapists, drug peddlers, and sexual predators, and barter to make these people serve only mere fractions of their sentences. Not only do they barter for their client, which is what their job is and I an can respect that, but they over look what their client did, and attack every other loophole they can find. Did the cop read them their rights? Was the stop valid and justified in the first place? The list goes on. I just can't imagine how the sleep at night.

But enough about them, let's talk about the other profession I can't stand - Dentists. Never once in my life have I had an enjoyable time at the dentist. These crazy people must have a screw loose to enjoy causing pain to others. This might just be the only legitimate, lawful way, to truly injure others.

I bring this up because yes, today I had a dental appointment, and I hated every moment. They tell me if I floss more, them jabbing a pointed metal, miniature spear in my gum won't hurt. They ask if I am comfortable. Please, I just love the sounds of scraping and grinding coming from INSIDE my head (that is just unnatural). Then they give me the wonderful news of cavities, far too many to count, and one needs to be fixed immediately. So what do they do? They schedule an appointment 6 months down the road to fix that "immediate" problem.

Here's my favorite part. Back when I was in 5th grade - yeah about the age of 10, I had a metal bracket/bar/spacer/piece of junk placed in my mouth. It connected my back top molar on one side, up and around the roof of my mouth to the molar on the other side. Well, my dentist back then retired after he placed that lovely ornament in my oral cavity. The next dentist couldn't seem to find my file so she didn't want to remove it. Next came my high school career and a different dentist, and the same story - didn't want to take it out until he was sure what it was there for. Well, come 13-14 years later, after having that piece of metal become one with my body, I asked to have it taken out. Before they did anything else, the dentist went in with a pair of pliers and yanked the son of a gun out in no more than 20 seconds. Several hours later, to go to the front desk to hear my damage, and I am told that they aren't sure if my insurance will pay for the removal of the bar and that it might cost me $70. SEVENTY BUCKS to take a pair of needle nose pliers and pull that stupid thing out. I would have done it myself if I wasn't concerned about the dang thing ripping out the teeth it was connected to.

So yeah, I don't like the dentist. Never have, and truly never will. I've had enough experiences with these cruel people to know I just don't like them. I don't have to like them. I say, if I ever get a call to go see a robbery at a dentists office, I will just let them know that the criminal was probably stealing something to sell to pay for his medical bill. If in the off chance he gets caught, he'll get a lawyer with nothing better to do than critique my investigation, and keep his client out of jail. The dentist will sue me, and win, and they'll get more money than what ever the value was of what was stolen, and we are back to square one - the defense lawyer will have done his job and gotten some sleep and the dentist will once again make money off of the pain of another.

Appreciating Differences

2008-04-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to get into politics. For the most part, I don't understand it all, and think a large majority of the people we elect are certainly not living what they are preaching. Far too often it appears that those seeking an election for any office, (Senator, Representative, Judge, Town Mayor) say the things necessary to get elected, things that show they are "for the people" and then push their own opinions once in their desired position. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, but is doesn't sit well with me. People who stand up in Congress and read newspapers and magazines to waste time don't deserve my money. People like Al Gore who spend millions of dollars to push a topic he is passionate about - Global Warming - to thus win him the Nobel Peace prize, where he urges us to take colder showers, ride bikes, and use less air conditioning all the while has several houses twice the size of any person I know and refuses to cut back on what he is doing doesn't deserve my applause either.

I look at this presidential race and one person stands out clearly in my mind. I can't possibly see why others would consider the other opponents. I've felt this way for the past two presidential elections that I've had the wonderful opportunity to vote. I see the issues I am passionate about, and have very clear objectives and opinions in, and the other candidates are completely off the spectrum from what I value.

To break the murky waters, I think John McCain is hands down, the best candidate. I think he has talked the talk, certainly walked the walk, and will continue to do so. I don't see him looking for status, power, or recognition. I feel strongly he is running for president to make America the best it can be. I don't for a second think Obama or Clinton don't want what is best for this country, yet I have a very difficult time seeing that they aren't searching for that status and glorification first. Being the first Black or Female president of the World's Greatest Country says something. Your name will be written in history. Does that idea cloud reason or judgement?

I've got a great friend of mine, one of my groomsmen during my wedding, who thinks Obama is the best man for the job. I love my friend and we've been buds for a long time, but I can't understand where he is coming from. I don't know how to appreciate our differences in opinions. I don't even know how to evaluate them.

I fear that people in my age group look at the candidates who speak their language and say the things they want to hear, when in reality the candidate has a completely different agenda to push. Their track record of voting, the people they associate with, and they statements they've said in the past, for some reason never make people look twice. I believe people can change, and everyone has made mistakes in their past, and will continue to do so, but if a person's voting record, lifestyle, and history differ from what is being portrayed now, isn't that cause for concern?

I don't know how to value opinions different from mine. I don't know how to even understand them, or "step in their shoes" because they don't make sense. Yet at the same time, I am wise enough to know they probably look at the me the same way. How do I watch someone get elected, who I fear will change this country for the worse, and not have an "I told you so attitude?"

These are the things I wrestle with. I guess I must do my part, vote for who I think is best, and realize God is in control and he knows what is best for us, either in the immediate, or in the long run.

Thoughts

2008-03-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow starts the first day of the week that is our half way point in the academy. The academy is awesome and we are beginning to actually do fun things. We've started getting up on the shooting range, punching some holes in targets at different distances, and then practiced control holds on each other during arrest control. This has been far superior to sitting in a classroom watching lame PowerPoint presentations.

However, this 1/2 way point marks a couple other things. This week we do another PT assessment, where I get to see how many push-ups and sit ups I can do in a minute and then if I have increased my speed for 1.5 mile run. We also have a test on Friday followed by a Historic Run through the town of Golden to the old Jefferson County Jail. It should be fun but it is more running, not to mention it is all running downhill to get the the jail, and uphill on the way back. If I heard correctly, it is about 4 miles of running.

But the other exciting news in our life is the recent declaration that my wife is pregnant - something she has been looking forward to but I have resisted since the day we got married. I have come around to the idea, and am looking forward to being a dad, yet my fears about it are very much at the surface. I have this idea of what a good dad is, but am I capable of it? Who am I to raise some kid? So many studies out there show how critical the role of the father is in the life of their children, and so many kids grow up without fathers. Do I have what it takes to impact my children in a critical, life shaping way for the best? I don't know.

My biggest prayer is that it is a boy. I really want a little guy to wrestle around with, take fishing and hunting, and just do guy stuff. I think that will come more naturally to me. Having a girl right away just makes me feel awkward - as if I just don't know how to handle it all.

Life is in full speed, and I am just trying to hold on. I've got to get the Jeep fixed, and buy some new tires, brakes, and whatever is making the awful sound. The Dodge is a piece of junk and I am trying to get it fixed as well to sell so I can get a different vehicle. All the while, Alisha is going to be heading off to Israel for a class in May and we have to pay for it really soon. I am making more money that I have ever in my life, yet it doesn't feel like enough. How can I possibly raise a kid?

Lord give me the strength to press on......

Tranquility

2008-03-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day. It started out by attending our regular service at Colorado Community Church. The head pastor was absent for some reason and another pastor filled in his place. To be honest, I wasn't really impressed with the talk, but then again, should I be? We as American Christians walk from our Sunday sermons discussing how the worship was, and if the pastor's talk was captivating. We often fail to just absorb the words and walk from the service wondering if God was honored, rather than if our attention was kept. Needless to say, my attention was wandering.

But what happened at the end of the service was nothing short of life altering. There are moments in life where the worries and troubles of this world fade away and certain points in time just captivate us. Some may remember the birth of their first child, their wedding day, or just those moments when God is just so relevant and near. Today was one of those moments. Our worship director Marcel came up after the end of the talk and had us all close our eyes. He played the piano in a relaxing peaceful manner, and just described the party, wonder, and glory in heaven. Putting the passages from Revelation into his own words, each person in that room was transcended into a worship of the Most High and each one forgot they were still living and breathing in this world. Maybe imposing that moment on everyone is a stretch, but for me, it was there.

What will heaven be like? Do we get caught up in this mundane idea that heaven is full of monotone "Holy, Holy, Holy's" or the perpetual sounds of harps coming from angels riding on clouds? Are we scared that heaven is going to be just one big worship session of Jesus and that just sounds lame, especially because we don't encounter Jesus in our sessions here on earth?

Or will heaven be filled with excitement, joy, and life? Isaiah talks about heaven as if we were waking from a dream. Is that so? When we are in heaven, will we look at our earthly life as disconnected and plot lines that don't make sense, as in our crazy dreams that seem real while we are in them, but once we awake, we laugh at the craziness that is caught up in our head? Will heaven be more real. Will foods have more flavor at the banquet? Will there be new colors never imagined?

As for now, our life will have moments of tranquility where life's troubles pass and those minutes of peace with our Father in heaven will be nothing short of spectacular. But someday, those moments, will become regularity, and the intensity will be far greater than anything imagined.

Time keeps ticking away

2008-03-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

So, I completed my 6th week of my 20 week academy. I am just astonished at how quickly time is flying by. It seriously feels like just the other day we were all meeting each other for the first time and figuring out who we liked, and who we are content not having to work with from other agencies. Overall, it has been a blast. But the odd thing about that statement is the fact that these past weeks have truly been 99% classwork - being stuck in a class room learning about the same topic for at least 4 hours at one time. Starting this week, we'll be getting into our skills - such as firearms, arrest control and driving tactics. I can't imagine how fast it will zoom by then.

The other area that makes me realise how fast life has passed was that earlier today I added 2300+ songs from a few cd's of Alisha's from her old computer. I am listening to songs that take me back to middle school and high school. Classics from youth group like Audio Adrenaline, Jars of Clay, Five Iron Frenzy, and more.

It is just crazy to think I am married, living life away from home, have a real job - career, figuring out what these letters I get in the mail with the clear plastic windows in the envelopes eluding me to something I have to pay. Life is full speed ahead and I am enjoying each moment. Sure there are hick-ups, and moments I wish I could undo, but that doesn't cloud from that fact that life is great.

However, sometimes I feel like I am not as far along mentally as my life would otherwise dictate. I am entering in one of few careers where we are entrusted by the government to actually take people's freedoms away. What a huge responsibility and task. I look around and it seems like more people have their act together more than I. Is that reality or is it more likely they are better at hiding it than me? I would prefer the latter as to make me feel more content with my sub par feelings, but am afraid of the former. I guess, only more time will tell.

Defeated or Deflated?

2008-02-16T19:22:00.000-08:00

As all the marriage books out there mention, finances are often the biggest struggle in any marriage. Alisha and I are no different. We moved out to Colorado in hopes that I would get this job with JeffCo, but that day didn't arrive until about 7 months after moving. We lived off our savings and my meager earnings bartending at Red Robin, but needless to say, we hardly scraped by.

Life is expensive. I am just beginning to see what life actually costs, and trying to understand the difference between needs and wants. Alisha is attending Denver Seminary and it is anything but cheap. This summer she will be heading to Israel for a class and it is more money out of our pocket. However, there is nothing that I wouldn't do to help support her on this once in a lifetime trip to walk in the same footsteps of Jesus around the countryside. Even though the trip isn't until mid-may, all the expenses are accruing now.

My new pay checks are wonderfully larger than anything I have experienced, yet we still seem to only be living from check to check because of such large upfront costs with her schooling, and with my academy.

I'm slowly learning the difference between being defeated and being deflated. I often feel like I am defeated now with my new job's wages, because how fast the money drifts away. Before this job, we had no money to save, in fact we spent more than I earned. And now with this job, it feels the same way, like we can't win.

Back in my single days, most of my money went to hobbies like ammuntion and outdoor gear, but now, I don't have a dime to spend on ammo. I've bought my new duty weapon, but haven't fired it once. (For those of you who know me, I think you can understand my "plight.") But I am beginning to learn that I am not defeated, but rather God may be deflating my ego, pride, and mindset to the things I think I deserve. I don't need to go shoot my gun, even though I want to. I don't need the next toy or gadget, even though mine may be outdated. There are just somethings that I need to redirect my focus on, and right now, that thing is money. It is hard trying to set my priorities around areas I don't enjoy, like insurance, bills, repair, and the like. But this is life right? Maybe through this endeavor, God is building in me patience, endurance, and character.

Distractions....Good for Me?

2008-02-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

We are into our third week in the academy, and some familiar patterns are beginning to develop. The most prominant one is, when you think you have spare or extra time, you don't. If ever a class ends prematurely, our Academy Instructor, Deputy Johnson, always has "fun" creative ways to fill the time. Whether it be PT, longer sessions of PT, formations, sound offs, or anything he deems we need some practice on, he is never short of ideas. Today was a pleasant surprize.

We had our afternoon class scheduled with Chief District Attorney Randall, but due to some unforseen mishaps, he sent in a colleague to go over his material. She was entertaining and fun, but certainly couldn't use the entire 4 hours she was allotted. So, when she finished an hour and 10 minutes early, we were all regretting to hear what Deputy Johnson had in store for us. Much to our surprize and liking, he came in, gave some announcements, and sent us home early with no PT.

I deemed I should work on PT outside of class to help improve my results in class. Tonight I did something I didn't think possible. I completed a 5 mile run. The key to my success - distracting myself with cadences. Left, Left, Left, a Righty Left, Right, and One, Two Three, Four, and cadences about my granny doing PT better than me. Singing out loud not only drew attention to passing cars with their windows down, but allowed me to breathe more and thus not focusing on the fact that I was running; a task I thoroughly despise.

I have a feeling tomorrow I'll wake up extremely sore and regret my accomplishment of today during the PT of tomorrow; but for now, I feel victorious.

More Pain than Gain

2008-02-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely loving the PT we are having in the academy. Not only is it good for us physically, it is great for us as a team. We go on runs, yell out cadences, jog in formation, and just bond with each other. There are those of us who are in terrible shape, and those of us in marvelous shape. I would fall somewhere in between, but can say with some confidence I am closer to the in shape crowd than the out of shape. We are only in week two, but the PT time is something I thoroughly enjoy.

However, today's workout kicked my tail. It was a mere 20 minutes, but I would bet the farm while going through it, the time was more like 45 minutes. We broke into 4 teams, so not to get too crowded. It was reminicent of the ladder runs in highschool, only much worse. We started out by jogging/running about 40 yards, touching a curb, and jogging back. We then did 2 pushups, 2 crunches, 2 mountain climbers, and 2 body weight squats. The the cycle starts again; run to the curb and back. However, this time, you do 4 of each exercise. Then the next time 6 repititions. Put this all in the context of an evening where the temperature was just above freezing, the air is dry, and let us not forget about altitude. In a mere 20 minutes, I was at 24 repetitions and fully spent. We ended our workout by sounding off, and heading home.

Now, I carpool with a fine gentleman, Ramon Sandoval. Ramon just happens to be a former member of Seal Team 1, from about 3 years ago. Ramon is in good shape. Ramon is in kick butt shape. We went over to his house were we proceeded to do exercises I had no idea existed. We climbed ropes, did pull ups between ropes, dips on hanging rings, and pushups on the rings lowered to about 6 inches off the ground. Other exercises were mixed in there, but far to difficult to describe. Ramon has taken me under his wing, to make me into a well built warrior. I am aching all over, and this early in the workout scheme of things, there isn't any noticeable improvement. So for this guy, the lactic acid has fully engulfed my body, and I am not sure of when it will decide to flush out.

Frustration

2008-02-02T16:21:00.001-08:00

Remember going to school when you were younger and you learned to do math? You did flash cards, multiplication tables, class competitions, and tests without any calculators. But then in highschool, you began to use a calculator and consequently inversely lost your ability to do any math in your head.

Well something similar has happened to me. Since the age of computers was so prevelant in my formative years, I learned to type, and in highschool and college, type a lot of BS. But in elementary school, I had to hand write many things to develop my skills, and my spelling as well. Now after using computer typing aids so frequently, I have lost my ability to just sit down and write on paper.

To test our writing abilities during the academy we are required to write (HAND WRITTEN) a 2 page paper on some specific topic. They are looking for our spelling skills, and thus we can't type it out first, use that handy spell check, and then hand write it. Nope, honesty is important and critical to keep a job in Law Enforcement. There are also stupid rules like, between each paragraph you need to put in a space. Well, I am about done with this paper and when I was reviewing it, I didn't put in any spaces. So, I get to WRITE the stupid thing all over again. Fun.....

A week down, 19 to go

2008-02-01T05:48:00.000-08:00

Well, this morning starts the last day of my first week at the Jefferson County Academy. We have 34 recruits in our class, but only 14 of us are with Jefferson County. Our academy is representing 10 different agencies, and I can't be more proud that I am part of this class.

The standards by which we hold ourselves is awesome. The academy is paramilitary so there is a lot of shouting, "yes sir's", "no sir's", "attentions", and "stand clears," in a single day. To the average person, this academy would be no fun, but that is why the average person doesn't get accepted into this academy. We all met rigorous standards and are being called higher each day. Working with individals united with a cause, purpose and drive, causes the atmosphere to be filled with encouragement, honor, and integrity.

This morning, one of my closer friends in the academy is coming to pick me up. Ramon Sandavol is a buddy, but he definitely isn't intimidated by this academy's standards. As a former member of Seal Team 1, he has endurance up the wazoo. He's a great guy and I enjoy each moment learning from his experience.

This is definitely what I was looking for in an academy. I am so thankful that I was chosen to experience it.

Probably Stems from a Lawsuit

2008-01-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

This post says absolutely nothing insightful. Rather, I am just pointing out something completely asinine. I made Alisha and myself a PB&J sandwich this afternoon using Wild Oats all natural Peanut Butter. I decided to see what ingredients are in the "all natural" expecting to see that they advertised incorrectly, but to my surprise, the only ingredients were peanuts and salt. The incredibly ridiculous part was underneath the ingredients. It said "*ALLERGY ALERT* : Contains Peanuts."

What person on planet earth, who is allergic to peanuts, goes out an buys PEANUT BUTTER, thinking there won't be peanuts in it. I mean, seriously.

These are sometimes the thoughts in my head.

An Answer to Prayer

2008-01-06T11:52:00.000-08:00

Just this past Friday, I received the long awaited phone call for my acceptance into the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. It has been a long road since turning in my application in July until now. I greatly thank everyone who has prayed long and hard for this position. I am very excited.

I will be honest, Satan is starting to play with my mind. I have wanted to be in law enforcement for over a decade, and when I worked with Vail PD, I felt alive. But now that I have been granted this awesome opportunity, I feel as though Satan is telling me I will fail. Some doubt just lingers in my soul about my capabilities. So I still ask for more prayer.

The other thing on my heart is Campus Crusade. I mentioned in my last post the role Crusade has placed in my life. When I got back from Thailand, I was approached by several well known regional directors within the Great Plains Region formally asking me to join staff. I respectfully declined as I need to fulfill this desire to work within the law enforcement community. Yet I still have this desire to serve Jesus through Crusade. Maybe I will work as a volunteer or as associate staff, but the parts I love most about Crusade are most easily available for full time staff.

I love the idea of traveling every summer to new and different locations around the world, leading college students on epic adventures, discovering who God designed and bent them to be. Having a full time job makes going on those adventures very hard. Yet at the same time, working in a dangerous environment, serving the general populous is exhilarating as well. I am just torn.

Am I making the right choice with JeffCo? Am I only not looking at Crusade because I don't want to raise support? Many questions lie ahead - some helpful, some deceitful.

Revisiting the past

2008-01-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

Last night, Alisha and I went to the first night of the Denver Christmas Conference (DCC). DCC was the highlight of every year during my college career, even more so that I went the year after I graduated. Now, living in Denver, there was no reason no to at least attend for one evening.

Crusade has played a huge role in my life. Crusade was the avenue where I came back to God, started discovering this life God has for me, and I've been extremely blessed with the opportunities Crusade has offered me. I have been able to rub shoulders with the big wigs, even so much so that I have them in my cell phone and I can call them at a moments notice. I've been blessed.

However, during my tenure in college, I didn't see eye to eye with the staff on my campus. One in particular towards the end of my stay at UNK. This man was truly critical in my "rediscovering of Jesus" if you will, and we were close. But due to some fall outs I said many things that were painful and deep cutting to this man who wanted nothing but the best for me.

His wife had come down with this mysterious illness while I was in Kearney. For years she was sick with no explanation. Doctor after doctor, in city after city, came up with hundreds of different reasons for her infirmity but nothing cured the mystery disease. I rarely saw her, and could watch in his eyes the toll this disease had taken on him; watching his Love just be miserable day in and day out. She would have "good" days but those were far from what would be considered average days in any healthy person.

Well time has passed. I now live in Colorado and he and his family now live in Missouri. I saw him for the first time in over a year last night at DCC and out of the blue, tells me that his wife has a brain tumor on her pituitary gland. That little monster has been the culprit for years, and no doctor was willing to do a scan in the brain because she lacked the typical symptom: headaches.

Floods of regret swept me. 99% of the fall outs we had during college were my fault. Maybe I wasn't the impetus but I sure made them worse. I was so consumed by my feelings, and looking out for number one, that I never for a moment stepped into his shoes and realized the last thing he needed was some college kid he poured his life into rebel and talk behind his back. His life was undeniably difficult and taxing at home, and I made his job worse. How I wish I could take back the things I have done to him. We have had a reconciliation and gotten on good terms, but we are nowhere near where we were when we first became friends.

May God forgive me, bless him, and heal her.

Next Stage

2007-12-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

Monday afternoon, I received a phone call from my recruiter, saying that Jefferson County is extending a conditional Job Offer to me and if I would like to accept it. Of course I said yes. This offer is conditional upon me passing a medical exam, psychological profile, and a drug screen. Then it goes on to final review and then a final job offer. My wife and I are confused about what the final review entails, or its necessity, however, we are both excited that my long wait is coming to an end.

During this entire process I have been remarkably at ease. I haven't been worried, for the most part, but rather just been patiently waiting (I am not the most patient guy either). I've been thinking why that may be and I can't really put my finger on it. I definitely don't want to jump the gun and say God has predestined me for this job, and if I don't get it, then I don't know my God. The only thing I can point back to is when God clearly told Alisha and I to go to Thailand. From the moment he told us, until the time we stepping onto the plane, was almost a full year later. There were points when it didn't look like it was going to happen, yet I still went back to that moment when I knew God was in control and there wasn't any doubt about His leading.

When we returned from Thailand and we went to Jefferson County to grab an application, I spoke with a recruiter. It was so confirming that this was the place I was looking for. People looked professional, yet were still people - not just robots behind badges. I looked around and was just at ease that this was the department I wanted to work with. I didn't apply to any other agency and simply started the process with Jefferson County. Now, as I am getting to the final stages, the point where if I am turned down, it will hurt the most due to my intense commitment and ever growing desire, I try to go back to that confirming moment where I first stepped foot on the Department grounds and was just made aware of that place.

Was it God telling me that this is where he wants me? I don't know. I certainly didn't hear a voice like I did with Thailand. However, my reaction, and peace throughout it all has remained amazingly similar to the waiting for Thailand.

Excitement over TV?

2007-11-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, I was walking through Blockbuster checking out new movies, when I stumbled upon the TV series, 24. I remembered seeing something on TV about it and decided it looked like a pretty good show. I rented the first DVD, with the first four episodes on season one. Each episode is about 45 minutes in length because the basis of the show is that the audience is experiencing 24 real time hours in the life of Jack Bauer - played by Keifer Sutherland. After watching one episode, I was entirely addicted, and immediately watched the other three. I went back to Blockbuster that night and rented the next disk.

24 is broadcast on Fox, and they should hire me because I have gotten so many of my friends into the show. I talked about it nonstop and my friends picked up on my excitement. For my birthday that year, they bought me season one, and season two. I now refuse to watch the show on TV due to the chance I might miss and episode and be entirely lost for the next one. I simply wait for the box set to come out and I buy it at first chance.

Well, that time of year has rolled around. I think God ordained it, because my birthday is Dec 2nd, and the box sets are always released at the beginning of December. So, thanks to my wonderful wife, we have pre-ordered season six and I got an email this morning saying it has been shipped. The best part is that my wife, Alisha, hates watching TV. She thinks getting into TV shows is a waste of time. She is probably very correct, however, she is now addicted to the show as well and we are anxiously awaiting for its arrival.

I have started re-watching season five to catch up on the plot line. Check it out if you haven't seen the show.

Sorry, this post didn't have any real depth to it - actually it was quite shallow, but I just LOVE that show!

Reign Over Me

2007-11-18T15:38:00.000-08:00

I just watched a very impacting movie - Reign Over Me. The plot line is simple - Charlie (played by Adam Sandler) lost his family in one of the planes on 9/11. His college roommate - Alan (Don Cheadle) meets up with Charlie randomly and tries to rekindle their friendship. The post traumatic stress on Charlie is overwhelming, even to the point he doesn't remember his college roommate whom he lived with for 2 years. Charlie's life is in shambles, and the movie takes the audience through his world of no friends, and the pain from the tragedy in his life. Charlie won't open up to anyone, but Alan.

Many time throughout the movie, Charlie is rude to Alan, forceful and physical with confrontations. Charlie is insensitive and often just oblivious to others around him. But the amazing thing is how Alan sees through it all. He understands the pain in Charlie's life and all unfortunate encounters with Charlie are just sluffed off. As Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity," Alan sticks with Charlie and is very powerful in his healing process. And in the process of helping Charlie, Alan learns somethings about his own life.

I won't lie, I had tears in my eyes - the movie impacted me greatly. I don't know why. I don't have any friends going through that type of stress that I know of. But watching how Charlie was so flaky, and treated Alan with such insensitivity, makes me wonder how much I would persevere. Would I be able to see straight to the pain, or would I get caught up in the symptoms? This movie made me do a gut check. I'd encourage anyone else who reads my blog - all 2 of you - to check it out.

A Broken Heart

2007-11-08T22:03:00.001-08:00

Right now I am experiencing a loss. While we were finishing up our adventures in Thailand, Alisha's sister was asked the big question from her boyfriend. They in turn requested that Shopping, our translator, would come to the US for the wedding if they would pay for it all. He of course said yes.

My heart breaks because he has applied for a VISA several times for the last few months and been denied repeatedly. He has confided in Alisha and I that he doesn't like to get his hopes up because it always seems like things fall through and then he is devastated. Alisha and I had the awesome privilege to bless Shopping right before we left by paying off his college debt, a debt he seriously wouldn't be able to pay for decades to come. The bond that Shopping and I share is incredible. I love this kid a ton. I cried uncontrollably at the airport when we were finally heading home after living with him for 4 months.

When you you begin telling someone you love them, time and time again, it becomes ingrained into your soul. I told Shopping that on a regular basis and when it came time to split ways, my soul was torn.

It doesn't look like there is anyway to get him here in time for the wedding in two weeks. God can still provide a miracle, but it isn't looking hopeful. Dealing with this pain of separation is hitting me all over again. I can only imagine how he feels, like he has been let down once more.

Why God would keep friends apart, I don't know. I can rationalize it by thinking God is in control, and everything has a purpose, but is sure doesn't make my heart feel better or the tears to dry up. Sometimes I am just left wondering....why.

The Value of our Story

2007-10-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to understand more and more with each day's passing, the value of every person's story. I am also beginning to see how much I don't understand my own.

Lately, I've been reading many different books on that topic, about discovering who you actually are. I've read Cure for the Common Life and Facing your Giants by Max Lucado. Both deal with looking in the past and seeing what common themes run through them. I am reading To Be Told by Dan Allender, and I have several other books that really deal with the topic of knowing yourself. I am also in Men's Fraternity, created by Robert Lewis, and we are dealing heavily with wounds, scars, marks, and other shaping "devices" that have molded us into who we are.

Where I struggle and I would imagine most people would with this topic is that it seems bizarre to ask someone to discover their story. We all lived every moment of our story, so what would be the purpose of discovering it? But the more I look at my past, the more I don't understand what is going on. I can't even remember my past for the most part, so how do I look at it?

The value of knowing your story, knowing the common themes that run through it, is so that you may begin to write your own story from here on out - according to Dan Allender. At first when he spoke about me co-authoring my story with God, I thought he was a lunatic. God writes my story - He has everything planned out. But the more I began to think about a side, often controversial topic, I realized Dan Allender might be on to something.

We Christians have a hard time understanding Free Will vs. Predestination, and have an even harder time trying to explain it to someone who shoves it in our face for believing in something we don't understand. However, when Mr. Allender speaks about co-authoring with God, it seems to blend the two together. Now I won't say I "get it" but the more I think about it, it comes clearer. Our life will happen, no matter what. Circumstances will encounter us, and we will deal with them. However, knowing our past (our struggles, our victories, our passions, our defeats), helps us to succeed in the future. Take for example the girl who is very trusting. This is a good quality, but she doesn't understand why guys take advantage of her. Circumstances will still face her, she will meet guys in the future, but how she reacts to them can be completely different. If she began to understand who God created her to be - one aspect a trusting person (positive) -and she recognized the situations where she typically trusts someone who shouldn't be trusted, then she could avoid the situation - she has taken more control. She is no longer a just a character in her story, but rather she has also picked up the pen and changed the direction of her story. She is both Character AND Author. Now there are many debates for what I have just said - for instance God is STILL in control, and he predestined her to figure out her story and change, so therefore, she really didn't author her story. You have a point, and it is valid. But, I am saying for me, it is making the murky water - just that much more transparent.

War - what is it good for?

2007-10-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

I've had conversations at work with people about the current war. I've read blogs about peoples thoughts on this conflict, and I have read many news articles about people's opinions on this apparent chaos.

I think war is hellacious, vicious, gruesome, and devastating. I think there is nothing glamorous about it. However, I don't necessarily think it is wrong. The philosophy to avoid war at all costs is ridiculous. That makes you a doormat. You need to stand up for what you believe and most of all, stand up for those who can't.

For every argument for the war, this is one against, and vice versa. Depending on who you talk to, there is probably more against than for, but I might even disagree with that. I think this could be a issue of "the squeaky wheels gets the grease," meaning it is just the loud few making it seem like a loud many. Again, my perspective.

My best friend is a member of Seal Team 20 - on the Special Boat Unit. He is the warrior's warrior, a patriot, a highly trained soldier and a very loyal friend. I want to see him come back from this conflict, pretty much more than anything. I want to hang out with him, go hunting, and remember life growing up together. But, I never want to think of my friend retreating, or surrendering. He will fight until told not to. He is a warrior. He's seen battle, and he believes it is his duty to serve the men above and below him. It doesn't matter what he thinks about being in the Middle East - he volunteered to serve his country, he volunteered to serve me. Anyone who got into the military thinking they would never have to fight, should have never been in the military in the first place. Signing up for the armed services should require you to have a serious internal check about the gravity of your choice. God bless each one of our servicemen and women who made that decision.

As far as the conflict goes - I think we should be there. I think there are people who need someone to stand for them, and I don't give a rip about the cost for doing the right thing. Burma currently has the world's longest civil war, but no one seems to care. A group of people, the Karen - were betrayed by the British in WWII, and are left to fight a regime of ridiculous proportions for land so they may live in peace. The Burmese government puts on a front of how they help their country but their government couldn't be more corrupt. Would it be wrong for the US to go in and help the Karen from under that regime? I can't believe we aren't there right now - we should be.

In war - people die. That is why war is a terrible thing, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. But because some servicemen lost their lives voluntarily, doing their duty, is not a reason to stop the conflict. I firmly believe that I have no idea what is going on in Iraq. I firmly believe I have no clue whatsoever, about what goes on in Congress and the White House. There is no way I can say I know what is best for our Country. It would be absurd for me to say the Pentagon has it all wrong.

Things are classified for a reason. Some truths are just to precious for the general populous to know - because we see what they do with them. I believe the most knowledgeable people in this war are President Bush, his administration, and the men on the ground. The press, high school students on YouTube, and mothers of soldiers, are not credible sources. We only know what is filtered to us, and I am fine with that.

I am eager to see my friend when he returns. I am eager to see this conflict resolved. I am not going to promote or condone any impeachment or treasonous acts until I hear one person come up with a better solution. All I hear is to bring the troops home, and kick Bush out of Office. Someone please, assess the situation and make a probable solution. If we are the United States, lets start acting like it.

The XY chromosome creation

2007-10-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

I have long felt that there is something truly holy about when men gather together. That is not to say mixed company isn't holy, but in this present day life, when men gather for a common purpose, if even for just a drink to hash out life's twists and turns, something profound takes place.

This morning I was part of a cohort of men desiring to see other men become more involved. Now, this was at my church but our intentions are not to get more men involved at church. The purpose is to gather men together, through common bonds (cars, fishing, camping, sports, coffee, etc) to foster masculine growth that would in turn reflect on their marriages, family, and careers.

One gentleman shared how a few years ago he went on a mountain biking adventure with some friends. It was all planned out and highly organized. It was some serious fun. But as much fun as the day was, he will never forget the car ride where he just talked about matters of the soul and heart with a few other trust worthy men. Another guy spoke about studies done at Promise Keepers events (huge conferences for men only on spiritual topics) where the impact that happens in men's life doesn't come from the main meeting sessions and speakers, but the car rides where buddies talk about anticipations prior to the event, and conclusions afterwards.

I am extremely excited to see what God has in store. There is this process that must take place where boys turn into men, but in today's society, that is unknown how. In my life, I can't say I have made the transition. I still feel more like a boy, needing others to care for me, rather than providing care for others. What does it mean to be a man? How do I get there?

All I know is meeting with men on a regular basis from all different walks of life, with a common passion for growth, wisdom, maturity, leadership, wholeness, compassion, integrity, and loyalty, will only help sharpen me into the Man God has designed me to become.

Man in the Arena

2007-10-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

I remember reading this quote for the first time when I was in Anchorage, AK. I remember the fire it stirred within me. I remember wondering if I knew the great devotions, if I ever strived valiantly. Now I wonder no more.

I have completed all the steps for Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. I wait now to see if my best foot forward was good enough. There was no point in the process where I said, "I could have done more, or better." I did everything I could and now wait for over a month to find out. If I fail, then I fail greatly because I have done my best. If I succeed, then all my efforts were worth it. I will know what Theodore Roosevelt meant by the triumph of high achievement or I will understand the failure for daring greatly. It is a feeling I am excited to have. I pray I continue to never settle for my own personal second best.

Found a Home

2007-10-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

I said I was going to write more about the tipping at restaurants thing, but I've decided that I was just a little too bent out of shape over it for it to be any good. However, if there is actually anyone out there who reads this, and you really want to know more about that topic, just email me or call me and I'll fill you in.

This past Sunday, Alisha and I went to the New Members class at Colorado Community Church (CCC). CCC is a church Alisha and I have attended since moving to Denver. So far, we have absolutely loved it. It's one of those things you know deep down that you are home, exactly where you are supposed to be.

Now I have never been to a New Member's class at any church before. I always thought they were odd and wrong in a sense. Why do I need to be a member of a Church? Why can't I just call this place my church home without being defined as a member? It just seemed like we were taking the Body of Christ and adding qualifications on it. I was really irked in the wrong way. It wasn't like I had a stance against it that I would argue over, but it just never settled with me. Now, after attending one, I know why it is needed.

One Sunday morning, during the announcements, it was made aware that a new members class was coming up, and all those interested were encouraged to come. Alisha and I decided we liked this church quite a bit and had no intentions of going elsewhere.

So this last Sunday, Alisha and I joined about 50 or so other people interested in knowing more about CCC. For the first word until the last handshake and goodbye, Alisha and I were blown away that a church could fall into the exact category of what we were looking for.

For example, CCC is an interdenominational church, not a nondenominational. I never really knew the difference, but they pointed out that they welcome people from all denominational backgrounds, and when people claim to be Nondenominational, it can turn into ANTIdenominational. I thought that was a good point. They really captured their concepts with a simple phrase "In essentials unity....in non essentials liberty....in all things love." Meaning, the essentials (Jesus was the Son of God, Trinity, Jesus rose again, Jesus is the only way to heaven etc) we will be unified. In nonessentials (baptism at birth or later on in life, communion with wine or juice, speaking in tongues or not, women preaching or not) we will allow liberty to those without getting in arguments over - but allowing healthy discussions. And most of all, in all things love. We will love each other for our differences. It was the first time I had ever seen a church be so welcoming to all backgrounds and then not trying to force conformity.

CCC is also a intercultural church. They strive for cultural unity, not ignoring culture differences, but rather embracing them. This can best be seen in the worship. Most of the leaders and band players are African American, and instead of traditional worship, they bring a more Jazz feel. It is something completely different from anything I have ever experienced. The lead pastor is African American and several others are as well, but most of the congregation is white, showing we "all can get along." It's fun.

CCC is also one church in multiple locations. We attend CCC Base Camp Englewood. There is also CCC Base Camp Aurora and Base Camp Stapleton. Their vision is to have 5 debt free base camps by the year 2020. They believe they can impact Denver by have churches all over the city rather than one mega church. They also never downplayed mega churches, they just have a different philosophy. The base camps share a budget and share pastoral staff. If one church is hurting, the others chip in. Right now, Base Camp Englewood is without a lead pastor, so the other two Base Camps rotate pastors so that we may all be blessed. Their word choice for Base Camps is brilliant too. Taking the term from a military usage, base camps provide a place of safety, nourishment, refreshment, rest, community. The battle is outside the base camp, but here you can be filled. Just as it is in the body of Christ, our battle is at work, our relationships and with random people we meet. We shouldn't come to church to to do our duty, we come to church because we are worn from battle and need fulfillment to get back to the battle lines. Absolutely brilliant!

CCC also believes in growing fruit on other people's trees. This sounds bizarre at first, but once explained it is just what Jesus intended. They believe in the 10% tithe, but they only want 5%. They expect you to give your other 5% to a missionary, another church or para-church organization of your choice. I think this philosophy is so freeing. I think members of other churches feel demanded to give their 10% and hate the sermon about needing more money to get the church out of debt. CCC is liberating, allowing members to give their money elsewhere, letting them choose who they get to bless. I think this is why CCC is a nearly debt free. The are only working on paying off a building right now. The budget they set for themselves is ahead of schedule due to the generosity of the members.

Lastly, and one of the biggest reasons Alisha and I love CCC is because of their programming. They strive to create an environment where everyone is equal. They have a fantastic special needs program for children where able bodied kids play alongside of handicapped and form lasting friendships. This also allows parents of special needs children the freedom to go to a worship service without having to worry about if their kids are being well taken care of. The lead pastor, Robert Gelinas, started Project 127, after James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans..." Project 127 is created to get all kids in the Foster Care program into healthy families (www.project127.com). Alisha is the most passionate person when it comes to Foster Care. She has given speeches, written papers, and even comes from a family where there are 3 foster kids. This was a hallmark for her. But just as any organization is best when the leader leads by example, Pastor Gelinas does this marvelously. He has 5 adopted kids in his home from the foster care program. The worship director in Englewood Base Camp has a total of 18 kids, and I believe 15 are from the program. These men know what it means to lead.

I challenge all of you, if you come to Denver on a Sunday, come to CCC. You will love it. If you want to read more check out their website at www.coloradocommunity.org

Acts of Generosity or Mathematical Economics?

2007-10-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

My latest thought has been going on for sometime now. I have been in the middle of a "confrontation" and thought it best not to talk about it until I was certain it was over. My position is fairly simple, but my "opponent's" side is complex and misguided. "Come on," you say, "Everyone thinks their position is right, and the other is wrong." I would agree, but on this topic, I cannot say I would catch too much flak from 90% of the people I know.

So what are we talking about? Tipping at restaurants. Nothing profound. Nothing life or death. Nothing of gravity or spiritual weight. Yet, this topic has fired me up in the last few weeks.

A couple of weeks ago I was working at Red Robin and a group of six came in one Sunday evening for some dinner. My fellow Team Member (coworker) was unable to take their table because he was extremely busy. He passed off the table to someone else, who in turn, passed them off to me. I really didn't care because I wasn't busy and needed something to do. I got their drink orders and after I was putting in their food requests into the computer, 4 different Team Members told me not to expect a tip. They felt sorry for me that I was dumped on with this table. I found out that my table consisted of a head Pastor at a local church, his wife, kids, and the associate pastor and his wife. I was told by my team members and managers that this group comes in often, are demanding at the table, and tip horribly for great service. Quotes I heard were, "Just look at them! They are stuck up in their pretty church outfits, their perfect Christian hair, their perfect Christian attitude. They think they are better than the rest of us!" - That was from my manager. "I've had them before. I got a $3 tip for a $70 ticket. They were my only table, and I didn't even make 10%." - a fellow Team Member.

After hearing this, I just tucked away all this information in my pocket and treated them like every other family that comes in. I made sure all their food came out on time, their drinks were full, and they enjoyed their stay. I heard a few snide comments from the wife, but over all, they were fine. At the end, my tip was given with a "knowing God personally" tract - their way of converting the heathen. I asked my team members if they received one of these, and they all said yes, and hated it.

Now, every single person that works at Red Robin knows that I am a Christian. They know my faith and know I am strong in it. Yet at the same time, they despise Christians, because of this family that comes in. On one hand, it is good for me because I can stand out. On the other hand, they just lump me in with every other loud mouth, untactful, radical Christian you see on the TV.

So here is what I did. On the back of the spiritual tract was the name and address of the pastor. I decided to write him a letter. If you want to read the letter I wrote, please email me and I'll send it to you. His reply even stated how much he appreciated my kind letter. So, I did do my job in being nice and thoughtful - my letter was not out of rage or anger. I simply told him that giving a poor tip with that tract makes non-Christians go farther away from Christ, rather than closer. I commended him on his efforts and on his church (I read their website) and told him I think he would have a better response if he increased his tips.

Now I am going to pause here. I am going to state my position on this and in my next post, I will discuss his reaction.

The latest sermon topic at the church I attend has been on "The Way We Worship." One of the sermons was on our money - talking about we worship with our money. Now, if you tell the typical Christian that we worship God with our money, he will likely think about the 10% tithe. He would be correct. However, we can do MUCH more.

The average server at any restaurant detests working Sunday afternoons. They get real busy with church goers who are snappy, demanding, and tip poorly. So, what image do Sunday afternoons give to non-Christian servers - take a guess. I believe, Christians should be the MOST generous with their money. On Sundays, they have just gathered with 100's of others to worship the Creator of All, met with Him face to face, and then flood the doors of eating establishments and make the lives of those serving them a nightmare. Why? Maybe Christians aren't meeting with God? That's a topic for a different day. But I believe throwing down a few extra dollars, going above and beyond especially on Sundays could really help change people's views of us. They would want to work on Sundays, because they want to be around the generous people. Sure they are in it for the money - ALL servers are in it for the tips. They make around $3.50 an hour. But wouldn't questions begin to arise about why Christians are the most generous?

To Be Continued....

Excitement is Infectious

2007-10-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the epic battle of the San Diego Padres, and the Colorado Rockies. This game was classic and nail biting up to the last play. Nothing was taken for granted, but at any moment, the tides could shift and either team would be sent to the play offs. Here's the deal, I hate baseball. The American pastime is about a much fun and entertaining to me as watching grass grow. Nothing about the sport keeps my interest, focus' my attention, or captures my mind. I literally feel bored watching that sport. People always say, " You just need to go to a game, and you will understand." They are wrong. I grew up in Omaha, NE, the home of the College World Series. I have attended at least 10 games in my life and lost all interest by the bottom of the third. I've gone to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs play. I've seen fans get bent out of shape and threatening umpires, but still nothing captivated me. Until Tonight.

I still don't like the game but tonight was fun. I was training behind the bar at Red Robin and getting ready to close down, when about 30 minutes before the doors locked, a group of about 15 people demanded drinks, the volume on the TV's turned up and the place silent to watch the ending of this memorable classic. Their excitement made me excited. Why? I still don't like the game, and I didn't ever get into the games when I was at the field, so why now? Maybe it was the yelling. Maybe it was the cursing at the bogus call for a double, rather than a home run. I honestly don't know. But their excitement was contagious; an infection that overcame me. I found myself cheering for the Rockies - a team I didn't really know existed until I moved to Colorado. I was pouring beers, making drinks, and watching the game all at the same time. Ask my wife, I can't do three things at once - it was amazing.

The game finally ended in the 13th inning, from a classic comeback from the Rockies being down by 2 and then winning the game. Even better considering the winning runner didn't even touch home, but the ump "missed" that. The restaurant exploded. Guests celebratorily (a new word I created) chugged the remaining of the beer in their glasses and left. I found myself talking about the game to my co-workers and discussing classic plays. What had happened to me? I was a fan - this was a weird sensation.

It got me thinking. How is it people can get so excited for a sporting team, with player's whom they have never met? The language that was flowing from the mouths of these fans in Red Robin was colorful to say the least. What would cause them to be so passionate?

We have the awesome opportunity to meet with the Creator of the Universe on a daily basis. We don't have to wait in line to get an autograph, or pay extra money to get a picture with the "stars." We can call on Him at any point in our day and He is at our doorstep, just waiting to help us. And if I was able to become excited, if even for a few minutes about a baseball team because of some crazy passionate people, then how can I "infect" those around me when I am passionate about my Lord? I know this is the classic lame post about making a comparison between something innocent and fun, to guilt tripping others to live more Christ-like. But honestly, is there any way my excitement for my Jesus infects others? Do people get excited about the God of the universe by hanging around me? I fear not. Are people supposed to, or is that something Pastor's like to say?

I really don't know what my point is. Maybe it is simply than I wish I had more of an impact on those around me simply by the way I live. I can't help but wonder if I am doing everything I can to promote the life and death of Jesus, rather than just letting life pass me by.

Guilt and Shame Cut Us at the Knees

2007-09-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today I completed my Integrity Interview with the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. It is called an Integrity interview because they want to see how honest you are, which rots. I think Satan plays off our guilt. We walk into a new job, new situation, or just meet people for the first time and think that the people around us are better or not as shameful as we are. We see friends joking around and seemingly never get upset or show the slightest depression and assume they have life figured out.

As I go into this integrity interview, I have two opposing thoughts - one of arrogance and one of shamefulness. On the arrogant perspective, I look at my application and see that I have never done drugs, never been given a citation for any traffic offense, never been summoned into court, never been fired, and the list goes on. I feel unstoppable. Yet a second later, I look at the areas in my life I have to fess up to, the areas where I am not so squeaky clean. I have to first write it down in full explanation, and then restate it to the deputy interviewing me. At those shameful points, it feels more like an interrogation rather than an interview. You begin to feel like dirt and that you are automatically dropped to the bottom of the list. "Surely people didn't screw up the way you did" Satan says. "Doesn't matter that you are squeaky clean in these areas. That doesn't mean jack compared to how you messed up over here." The belittling thoughts continue alongside of the arrogant ones, and we are left to sort out the truth in both of them.

Maybe I am insecure. Maybe I have a low self esteem. But I have found that men especially, want to let out what is on the inside but don't know how, know who they can trust, and most of all, are living in the fear that they are the only ones who struggle with a certain topic. They know they aren't the only ones to look at pornography on the Internet, but surely no one is as addicted as they are. They know about others having a hard time with their wives, but surely no one else understands the battles of wanting to stay in their marriage and get out at the same time. Knowing that they have a loving wife at home, and a gorgeous secretary at the office, and trying to decide between reality and fantasy - no one has experienced it like that before.

I feel like Satan doesn't just present opportunities, or even present them in a cunning fashion. Rather he uses mixed messages of confusion to blur lines and blot out realities and facts to entertain the ideas of What Ifs and How Abouts. At the same time feeling on top of the world and bottom rung. How is one supposed to sort out the voices and messages?

It is no wonder men are confused about their life callings. They are bombarded by mixed messages. They form opinions about topics, but if they are hot topics, they better be willing to either change their opinions or get blasted for daring to stand bold. What are men supposed to do?

This post kind of evolved into a topic I wasn't really thinking about or originally intended. But I think men have it easy and hard at the same time. The easy part is knowing what is right and what needs to be done. The hard part is actually going about doing it (i.e. telling the truth about your shame.)

The way we come across

2007-09-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

I just watched a video on You Tube titled "hello angry Christians." Feel free to look it up. I am guessing this is a sequel to a previous video posting because the man in the video responds to reactions he received from angry Christians. The video is simple: a guy claiming to be an Atheist, talking into a camera about the insanity of Christianity. He speaks about how Jesus' death on the cross for our sins, or as he refers to them, debts makes no sense. He states Christianity proclaimes everyone is in debt from the moment we are born and Jesus came to die, to clear us from our debts, or else we die- basically saying God has doomed us all, and who would want to believe that.

It really doesn't phase me too much that there is some guy out there sticking our religion in our face. What really bothers me is that Christians are upset, or possibly surprized by it. Sure the guy mocks Jesus, but didn't the Romans and Pharisee's do that? He insults Christ's followers, which we are sure the disciples faced some insults. What good does it do then, knowing these insults and hardships are from the beginning, to get upset and write supposed letters to show up this proclaimed Atheist?

The man in the video concludes with quite an interesting point. He asks us Christians, if Jesus were to come back, and see the way we have treated people and taught His teachings, Jesus would have thought He wasted His life and death on the cross. Granted I think that is extreme but interesting. It is apparent, that through whatever contact with this man, Christians have rubbed him the wrong way. He apparently sees us as unwise, dumb, arrogant, and insensitive. I can't possibly blame him because I often feel the same way.

I can't tell you how many times I have been in a great discussion with someone on spiritual topics and then made some idiotic comment that lost all ground. One night, I was talking with some fratnerity brothers and some of their friends and we began to talk about Knowing Jesus vs. Believing in Jesus. This was a heated topic and I mainly brought it up for just discussion. I felt the need to clarify my stance so I made a comment to the effect of, "I am probably the most devoted Christian in this room." That went over like girafe jumping the Nile. Why did I say that? What was the point? But I made a stupid comment that turned people away.

I think Christians as a whole are often the most un-tactful people on earth. We are loud, protest at abortion clinics, curse people in gay rallies, and condem our classmates for getting drunk. What person in their right mind wants to join our "group?"

So, I applaud this man in the video for pointing out how we come across. We all can take a good look at ourselves and evaluate how we express ourselves - intentionally or not- to those around us. The Atheist only made that video because he knows how to play us Christians, by insulting our Christ. Jesus is our Defense, we are not His. He's the King of kings, I don't think He needs our help. We can either believe in Him or not; that choice is ours.

In the Middle of it All

2007-09-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

I just recently finished a book by Max Lucado, "The Next Door Savior." It has been quite an accomplishment to say I have finished a book, considering my passion for reading is up there with visiting the dentist. However, Max is gifted; not because he has written many books and been on the New York Times best selling list, but because he has gotten me to read at least three of his books, a feat no other author has done.

With all that said, one of the last chapters in the book spoke about a construction worker in New York City. On Sept 12th, 2001, he went to the war site that held the title World Trade Center, in hopes to find survivors. To his dismay, he found none, but more than several lifeless bodies. After punching through a corridor, he came across a wonderful and wondrous sight, a cross. There, in the middle of it all, a cross stood. The miracle was not the cross standing upright, but rather the upright piece and the cross piece were from two different buildings. The chaos of the collapse and fiery heat welded the two pieces together to be a point of hope in the midst of tragedy. At the foot of the cross, lay smaller crosses, of different shapes and sizes. The metaphor Mr. Lucado pulled from all of this, is in the middle of devastation and tragedy, Jesus is there. We ask where was God during the terrorist attacks? Right in the middle.

I read that chapter just before heading off to sleep. The time was was midnight, and at 5 am, I was to awake to prepare for a written exam and physical fitness test for my application process into Jefferson County Sheriff's Department. That night, I didn't sleep for more than 30 min at a time. I woke up more than 40 min before the alarm sounded and began to get dressed. My mind was racing about what the day would entail. Would I do alright on the exam? Am I strong enough to complete the tests in such a way as to stand out? Would I fail? Would this moment define my life for the better or worse?

I got into my car and began to make the 30 min drive to the department. The morning was still dark and cool. The thoughts were still racing until I looked up. On the mountain range to the west, an array of lights were placed in the shape of a cross. It didn't take long before the previous night's chapter came to mind. A calming spirit overtook my restless one as to say, "I'm here. I'm in the middle."

To complete the day, I succeeded in my tests. I did far more push ups than ever in my life, a significant amount of sit ups and a 1.5 mile run in a time I didn't think I was able to do. I also completed my written exam in a position earning me an interview this week.

My downcast thoughts weren't anywhere equivalent to the devastation of the WTC towers, but Jesus was there, no matter how trivial in comparison.